


The Space Between

by xIt_Is_What_It_Isx



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Broken Harry, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, SO SAD, Some Fluff, Some angst, i just have a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-17
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-02-05 00:44:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 43,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1799257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xIt_Is_What_It_Isx/pseuds/xIt_Is_What_It_Isx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Harry have been distant - not acting like they used to, avoiding each other in public and making things awkward for the other boys. </p><p>Will a tragic twist of fate in the middle of the WWA tour mend their friendship and open their eyes to what they let go?</p><p>"Louis and Harry aren't as close as they used to be, but as soon as hears those words fall from Niall's lips he immediately goes into Protective!Louis mode, and his insatiable need to watch over Harry comes flooding back like it never left."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You cannot quit me so quickly

Louis slowly opens his eyes as he hears someone frantically banging on his hotel room door.

It's only midnight, and he thought he'd make it an early night after tonight's show in, where the hell are they? Texas, maybe? He knows they're in some southern American state that's too bloody hot and it makes him tired after every show. Usually he can ride the adrenaline rush for hours, but the heat has him feeling sluggish and sleepy.

"Louis! Open up, now!" he hears the person shout through the door. Is that Niall?

Louis rolls his eyes, pulls the covers back from his bed and sits on the edge scrubbing his face, trying to compose himself to avoid punching Niall in the face for interrupting him right when he was about to enter REM.

"Louis, please!" he hears Niall yell again. Is he crying?

Louis pulls on the white T-shirt that he tossed onto the floor after he got into bed, feeling too warm and constricted in already ungodly heat.

"Oi, what is it, Niall?" he says as he opens the door, trying to sound annoyed but mostly sounding gruff and tired. Niall is standing there red-faced with tears streaming down his face in the same black and white baseball shirt and jeans he wore during the second half of the show tonight.

Louis suddenly feels much more awake, and much more aware that something must be very wrong for Niall to be this upset and frantic.

"You have to come to Harry's room. It's Gemma...there's been an accident," Niall says between sobs. Louis' eyes widen and he turns, grabs his pants that were slung over a lounge chair in the suite, and throws them on following Niall out the door.

Louis and Harry aren't as close as they used to be, but as soon as hears those words fall from Niall's lips he immediately goes into Protective!Louis mode, and his insatiable need to watch over Harry comes flooding back like it never left. There was a time when Louis would pounce when someone even looked at Harry the wrong way. Granted they were younger, and a 16-year-old needs a bit more looking after than a 20-year-old, but all the same Louis never wanted anything to get close enough to hurt Harry. He was the one who would hold him when he cried after reading all the nasty shit on Twitter, or stay up for hours talking with him about his fears for the future. Louis never wanted Harry to hurt or feel bad. That's why they were best mates - they cared about each other from the moment they met. Louis missed that, but a lot was different, and a lot of distance had come between he and Harry. He'd like to think it wasn't his fault, but he knew deep down it mostly was.

The boys always have rooms on the same floor when they stay in hotels so the security can block it off and try to keep the chaos at a minimum as a courtesy to the other guests. 

So it only takes a few seconds at a light jog to get to Harry's room just down the hallway. Louis walks in to see Liam and Zayn on either side of Harry on the sofa in the suite. Harry has his head on Zayn's shoulder while Liam rubs soothing circles on Harry's lower back. All three of them are crying and Louis freezes for a moment.

His instinct is to run to Harry and scoop him up and hold him until the pain goes away. Louis can literally feel his heart breaking not only seeing Harry so upset, but all of the lads. He suddenly is very upset with himself for feeling awkward in this moment. Harry is one of the closest people to him in the world, yet he still feels some sort of imaginary force field holding him back from running to his side. Too much time has passed and too many things have changed, Louis thinks. It's not his place anymore.

The three boys on the couch turn to look as Louis and Niall walk through the doorway.

"What happened?" Louis said, immediately regretting the words as they fell out of his mouth. He's not sure he really wants to know what has his four best mates beside themselves.

Liam gets up and pulls Louis into the bathroom and Niall squeezes Harry's shoulder as he takes Liam's place on the couch.

"Liam, what the fuck is going on?" Louis said, trying to sound firm but the slight squeak in his voice reveals the fear he's trying to mask.

"Anne called me about an hour ago while I was in my room with Zayn and Niall," Liam says, still crying but trying to slowly compose himself.

"She asked me to sit down and made me promise to take care of Harry," Liam said, swallowing hard, "when I asked her what was going on she said Gemma'd been in a car accident in London, and she was on her way there now. She wanted me to tell Harry because she didn't want him to hear something like that over the phone. She said she'd call when she knew more," he finished, wiping at the tears on his flushed cheeks.

"Oh my God," Louis managed, not sure what to say or how to react. He needed to be strong for Harry, he knew that, but what do you say to somebody after they find out their only sibling is hurt and they're half way across the world and can do nothing about it?

"I had to tell Niall and Zayn since they were sitting right there when she called and saw how upset I was," Liam explained, knowing Louis would wonder why he was the last to know, when he and Harry are - were...best friends.

"The boys said you'd gone to sleep so I didn't figure to wake you until we knew what was going on. But when we came in and told Harry he totally lost it. He fell to the floor and started crying so hard - I didn't know what to do, Louis," Liam went on, "and then he asked where you were, so I told Niall to go wake you up. I'm sorry Lou, I know things are, erm, weird with you and Harry and I didn't mean to wake you but..."

"Oh for Christ's sake Liam! What do you think I'm a cold-hearted bastard? Of course you should have woken me up and of course I want to be here for him," Louis said, a bit more harsh than he'd intended but he couldn't help but feel offended that the boys thought his beauty sleep would be more important than something like this.

"I know, Lou, I'm sorry. I should've called you before we even told Harry. I just didn't know what to do, I've never had to be the bearer of this kind of news before," Liam said, looking like he was about to be ill, leaning on the sink for support.

Louis softened his expression, knowing that Liam meant no real harm, he just wasn't thinking properly, just as the rest of the boys at this point. Even so, Louis couldn't help the slight ache in his heart thinking that 2 years ago, he would've been the one Anne would have called first. He would have been the one to tell Harry, to hold him and console him. The thought made his eyes sting and just as the tears were at the brim, he wiped them away, not wanting Harry to see all of them a total mess. Louis had to hold it together a bit longer. For Harry.

"No, I'm sorry, Liam - that must have been so hard. But now we're all here so let's just focus on Harry, hm?" said Louis as he clapped Liam's shoulder guiding him out of the bathroom back to the couch in the suite with the other boys.

Liam took a seat next to Zayn and just held his head in his hands as he started to cry again.

Louis walked over to Harry and squatted down in from of him. He looked at the tears running down Harry's face and his lip quivering as he sobbed and Louis couldn't take it.

"I'm so sorry, Harry," he said wiping the tears from Harry's cheeks.

That just made Harry cry harder and Louis got on his knees and wrapped his arms around Harry's shoulders. Zayn and Niall slowly pulled back from rubbing Harry's thighs and back to comfort him, giving he and Louis a moment. Harry's hugged Louis around the waist so tight, it made Louis cry more. Harry has hugged Louis like that before, like he was a lifeline sent to save him when he felt like he was drowning.

"Why did this happen, Lou?" Harry said between sobs, breaking Louis' heart with each tear-soaked syllable.

Louis just held him tighter and tangled one of his hands in Harry's hair, slowly starting to rock him and whisper soothing nothings in his ear. "It'll be OK," "I'm so sorry," "We're here now,"...all bullshit. Who knew if it was going to be OK? Not Louis, that's for sure. He felt terrible giving Harry what seemed like false comfort, but he had to find a way to calm him. After all, it doesn't help to assume the worst. And Gemma really could come out of this fine, right?

They stayed like that for nearly 15 minutes until Harry's breathing seemed to steady while in Louis' arms and his sobs turned to quiet whimpers.

Louis pulled back and put his hands on Harry's cheeks, thumbing away the tears as Harry closed his eyes and wrapped his hands around Louis' wrists.

The other boys just watched from the other end of the couch, happy that Louis and Harry were able to come together, but raging pissed at the reason why. Liam was glad Louis was there, he had always known how to calm Harry the best. He and the other boys weren't sure what to say or what to do. They just all sat there comforting each other in silence. Forced conversation during times like these usually lead to discomfort, annoyance or an argument. And no one wanted any of that right now.

"Should I go tell Paul and the guys?" Liam said quietly to Zayn and Niall, but Louis could hear. Harry was still too distraught to be paying attention.

"Yeah I guess they should know what's going on," Zayn said, just as confused as the other boys about what was proper protocol in a situation like this.

Liam stood up wiping his face with the sleeve of his flannel, taking a few deep breaths.

"OK I'm going to go talk to Paul, I'll be back," he said to no one in particular. They all heard him he knew that, but no one really had the energy to respond, just a slight nod from Zayn.

As Liam reached for the door handle, his phone started ringing, and all the boys' heads snapped up immediately.

Liam pulled his phone from his pocket and turned to look at the lads.

"It's Anne."

 

 

 


	2. There's no hope in you for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my first fic so I appreciate all of you even taking the time to read it! Comments are encouraged and appreciated! Be honest, but be gentle :) Big love!

Liam looked up at the boys as his phone rang in his hand, too petrified to do anything, let alone answer.

With a small nod from Zayn, he finally swiped the screen letting out a hesitant, "Anne?" Followed quickly by an, "Oh, Robin, hi. Yes, he's here, we're all here. Yes, of course."

Robin must have asked to talk to Harry because Liam put the phone on speaker and walked back over to the boys. They all stood, anxiously waiting to hear the news. Louis kept his arm around Harry's waist, and he could feel him shaking. He tried to rub his side as soothingly as possible but knew nothing would really help calm him at this point. Louis felt like he couldn't breathe. He had always been a realist, and prepared to hear the worst, knowing he had to be the strong one, the rock - no matter what happened.

"Robin, please, what's happening?" Harry let out after becoming a bit more composed, but his voice was still thick with pain and worry.

"Harry, I'm so sorry. It was bad, very bad - there was a seven-car pile-up. A drunk driver swerved into the wrong lane and hit Gemma head on. She swerved to miss him and he slammed right into the driver side."

Robin paused as his voice broke. All of the boys assumed the worst since it was Robin calling and not Anne, but no one spoke. No one moved. The pause lasted only about 5 seconds, but it seemed like an eternity.

"She's gone, Harry. I'm so sorry."

And with that Harry let out an agonizing sob, falling to the floor in front of the couch. Louis couldn't bring himself to let Harry go, so he went down with him, arm still around his waist. Harry let his head fall into Louis' other arm, so he was cradling his head. Harry held onto Louis' arm for dear life and just sobbed uncontrollably. Louis started petting Harry's head and pressed a light kiss into his hair. Louis' eyes filled with tears, obviously because of what they'd just heard, but also seeing Harry like this made him feel like someone stabbed him through the eyeball with a freshly sharpened pencil. He had seen Harry cry before. When he was upset or homesick. But never because his heart was literally being ripped out of his chest.

Louis loved Harry, as his bandmate and one of his best friends. He would never want him to be hurt or in any sort of pain. But this was a feeling Louis wasn't entirely familiar with. A flood of sadness, anger, bitterness and the deepest sympathy and compassion he'd ever felt. He'd had family members die. His gran passed when he was about 12. It was very sad. But she'd lived a full life. He can't imagine if anything ever happened to any of the girls or the twins. He'd go absolutely mad. He can't imagine what Harry could possibly be feeling right now, so he just held him as tight as he could, wanting to silently let him know that he was there. And he wasn't going anywhere.

Liam had taken the phone off of speaker and walked into the bathroom. Zayn followed after him so he wasn't alone, and Niall just sat on the couch and cried, looking at Harry in Louis' arms, wishing he could do something, anything to help his best friend.

After about a minute, Liam and Zayn walked out of the bathroom, wet faces, not knowing what to do.

"I'm so sorry, Harry. I'm so, so sorry," Liam said as he stood next to the couch looking down at Harry and Louis.

"Where's my mum?" Harry said brokenly. Louis could tell he was having a hard time breathing so he kept rubbing his arm, his head, his side...trying to soothe him as much as possible.

"They're still at the hospital. Robin said she wanted to talk to you...but couldn't," Liam said tentatively, trying to gauge Harry's reaction before he went on. "He said they still have to talk to the doctor again, and then they're going to head home and they'll call back."

Harry sat up, leaning his back against the couch, as the boys all waited, barely breathing, for him to say something.

He wiped his cheeks and stood up, walking to his suitcase in the corner of the room. He got to his knees, unzipped it and started throwing the pile of clothes on floor inside, not taking time to fold or sort anything.

Louis walked over to where Harry was and carefully touched his shoulder as he stood next to him.

"Let me help you, love," he said quietly, so only Harry could hear, and threw a T-shirt into the suitcase.

"Liam, call Paul and tell him we need two tickets on the next flight to England," Louis said, looking over at the boys, all frozen where they stood.

All of the boys, including Harry, turned to look at Louis, not sure they heard him right. Did he say two tickets?

"Two?" Liam said, not taking his eyes off of Louis.

"Yes, two. For me and Harry. We're going to Holmes Chapel...straight away," Louis said, just like it was the simplest most obvious statement he'd ever made.

"Louis, we have to talk to management. Of course Harry has to go, but we've got a show in two days..." Liam said, immediately going into 'Daddy' mode, thinking about how this was going to affect the tour.

"Liam...I will call Paul if I have to," Louis said calmly, not wanting to raise his voice, but saying it sternly enough that the boys knew he meant it.

Harry continued to look up at Louis, not sure how to take what he'd just said.

"Louis, I appreciate that, more than I can tell you. But Liam's right, we have a show and fans depending on us. You all can carry on without me, but we can't have a show without two of us," Harry said, with the utmost sincerity in his voice.

Harry - sweet, sweet, Harry, Louis thought. Always concerned about the fans above anything else. Louis wasn't offended or upset at what Harry said, he knew he didn't want his personal tragedy to affect the group or disappoint the fans.

Louis knelt down next to Harry grabbing his hands in his and staring straight into his eyes.

"Harry, I'm not letting you go through this alone. If we have to cancel a couple of shows, we'll cancel a couple of shows. This is far more important, and I'm not letting you deal with all of it by yourself," Louis said. "And besides, you know the fans will probably burn the stage to the ground if you aren't there anyway," he continued, wiping a tear from Harry's cheek with his thumb, giving him a small smile. Harry let out a small laugh, looking down to the ground. He hadn't seen this side of Louis in ages. The kind, caring, protective Louis he loved dearly. He truly missed that Louis.

Louis looked over to the other boys, "I'm sorry lads, but I'm going. They can fire me if they want, I really couldn't give a fuck. I'm not letting him do this alone."

The boys just stared, completely understanding where Louis was coming from, but still nervous for management's reaction. That's probably millions of dollars in unfulfilled contracts and refunded tickets, but in reality, they probably wouldn't let them do a show without Harry anyhow.

"I'll go talk to Paul," Liam said, finally realizing he was fighting a losing battle. After all, in perspective, no matter what the repercussions were, Harry getting to his family was most important, and if Louis wanted to be there for him, they wouldn't deny Harry that comfort.

Louis reached into his back pocket with one hand, still holding on to Harry's with his other, and grabbed his hotel room key.

"Zayn, can you go to my room, please. Just shove everything into the suitcase and bring it in here when you're done," Louis said, reaching out to hand Zayn the key.

"Yeah of course, mate," Zayn said, grabbing the card and heading toward the door.

Louis stood, not letting go of Harry's hand, and pulled Harry up to his feet as well.

He guided him over to the bed and looked at Niall.

"Mate, can you just throw all that shit in there," referring to Harry's suitcase. Harry wasn't as messy as the rest of the lads, and had most of his clothes in a pile next to the suitcase and a few things strewn around the bathroom, but that was pretty much it.

Tears were still falling down Harry's cheeks, but there was too much going on for him to fight anyone on anything at this point. His mind was reeling and he couldn't even compose a complete thought, or sentence. So he kept quiet, trusting Louis to take the reigns in the situation. He'd always been kind of the unspoken leader of the group anyhow.

"Just lie down for a bit, love. Try to breathe and relax...close your eyes," Louis said as he sat in the middle of the bed, lightly pulling Harry down with him. Louis sat cross-legged and Harry let his head fall in Louis lap as he curled into himself as tight as he could, closing his eyes, trying to take a few deep breaths as Louis combed his fingers through his hair. His face was still wet, but he didn't have the energy to cry anymore considering he'd cried more in the past two hours than he had in probably his entire 20 years of living.

"What am I gonna do, Lou?" he heard Harry say in almost a whisper, his voice tired and strained.

"I don't know, Harry. But I promise I'll be with you every step of the way," Louis said, knowing it wouldn't make Harry feel any better, but hoping it may console him knowing he wouldn't be totally alone through this mess.

Harry just squeezed where his hand rested on Louis' knee as a silent "thank you."

Harry knew Louis cared about him, but there was no denying their relationship had changed, and they weren't as close as they used to be. He almost felt bad that he truly didn't think Louis was the one he could depend on anymore. Not that he pictured something like this happening, but he certainly wouldn't have thought Louis would have been his shoulder to cry on. Maybe Niall, or Liam. But Louis wasn't his first thought, and that made him sad. But he couldn't help being glad somewhere deep in his heart, that Louis was the one comforting him, and offering to go home with him. When he thinks about it clearly, there's no one else he'd rather have there for him than Louis.

He feels like he should tell Louis that, and thank him for offering to come with him even though he knows he's putting the tour, and possibly the whole band, at risk. As soon as Harry opens his mouth to start, the handle turns and Liam and Zayn walk through the door.

Zayn is dragging Louis' suitcase behind him, and leaves it by the door as he and Liam walk over to the bed. Niall had just finished packing up Harry's suitcase, and was zipping it shut as the boys came in.

"You're all set, the flight leaves in 45 minutes," Liam said, as the boys gathered around the bed. "Management isn't happy, but I told them they'd have to deal with it for now, and we'd figure it out later."

Louis looked at Liam and gave a small smile, silently thanking him for being understanding and having their back.

Liam and Zayn slowly sat at the edge of the bed, Liam placed his hand on Harry's ankle and Zayn put his hand on Harry's forearm where it lay in front of he and Louis on the bed. Niall came and sat next to Louis putting his arm around his shoulders.

Forty-five minutes, Louis thought, until what could possibly be the worst experience of his life would begin. He didn't have a game plan. He wasn't really sure how he was going to comfort Harry, or help him through this tragedy - but he sure as hell was going to try.


	3. No corner you could squeeze me

Harry lay with his eyes closed, trying to mentally digest what was happening. 

Gemma was dead.

The older sister he loved dearly, called whenever he needed advice and had looked up to his entire life. Just gone.

He felt like he was going to be sick, but he couldn't move. He felt like he wanted to scream, but he could barely speak. He felt like he wanted to call Gemma, but he couldn't. Not ever again. 

His mind felt like it was going a mile a minute. He remembered when they were kids, and she'd be cross with him and call him a twat and run up to her room and slam the door. He remembered her 14th birthday party when she had loads of friends over in their backyard and he and his three best mates came out and sprayed them all with water guns. Then Gemma went to his room later that night and poured water all over his PS3. He cried and she got in trouble, even though he knew he'd deserved it. 

Then he remembered how supportive she was when he went to audition for the X-Factor; she was the one who'd talked him into doing it, after all. He owed every good thing that's happened since that fateful day to Gemma. Harry's family and friends had always encouraged his artistic side, telling him he had a great voice and all that. But a lot of people have great voices. Gemma was the one who actually sat him down and told him he had real talent and should go audition for the X-Factor. And the day before the audition, when he was about to back out because he was so nervous, she sat him down again and explained to him that the worse that could happen is they say 'no,' and life would just stay exactly the same as it was, which wasn't so bad. Gemma wasn't only his sister, she was one of his best friends. Perhaps the closest person to him who he'd talk to about anything and everything. What is he going to do without her?

Harry was taken from his thoughts when a loud knock came at the hotel room door.

Niall popped up from the bed and ran to answer it, opening the door to let Paul in. All of the boys slowly stood from the bed and Paul walked over to Harry, enveloping him a tight, yet gentle hug for such a big, manly man.

"I'm so sorry, Harry," he said, as tears filled his eyes.

Harry just hugged him tighter. 

"The car is here, whenever you boys are ready," he said pulling away from Harry and glancing over at Louis.

"Give us just a minute, yeah?" said Louis, and Paul nodded as he turned and walked out of the room to give the boys a moment to say goodbye.

Niall walked over to Harry and gave him a hug, as Zayn and Liam took turns hugging Louis. Then they switched so everybody had hugged everybody and still no one knew what to say.

"Please let us know if you need anything - anything at all," Liam said. He knew there was nothing any of them could do, but it couldn't hurt to offer.

Niall and Zayn nodded, co-signing Liam's statement. 

"We will," Louis said with a small smile. "You ready?" he said looking at Harry next to him and gently placing his hand on his lower back.

Harry nodded, threw on a beanie, walked over to his suitcase and pulled it over to the door. Louis had his luggage in hand, and he turned to look at the boys again.

"Let us know that you get there safe. Love you guys," said Liam. They all exchanged 'love you's and 'goodbyes' as Harry and Louis walked out the door.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When they got to the car, Paul popped out and grabbed their bags and threw them in the trunk.

Harry and Louis filed into the back seat silently.

Harry just sat there staring out the window as Louis stared at his hands in his lap, feeling alone with his thoughts.

Louis felt like he'd never heard such loud silence. He wanted to say something, or find some way to comfort Harry - but he didn't know what to do. He'd never felt so useless and helpless in his life.

The silence was broken when Harry, still looking out the window, let out a low, "Thank you, Louis."

Harry didn't have to say any more. Louis knew he meant 'thank you' not just for coming, but for turning out to be the one he could depend on, no matter what. The tone in his voice broke Louis' heart though. He'd never heard Harry so incredibly lost and sad.

Louis didn't say anything, he just reached over and placed his hand in Harry's where he had it resting on his thigh and squeezed. Harry squeezed back and turned to look at Louis, a bit surprised at how affectionate he was being. Louis did have touchy-feely tendencies when it was for a laugh, but he wasn't much of a sap. Harry appreciated his gentleness though, given the circumstances.

"I just don't know how I'm going to do this..." Harry said as his lip started to quiver and his eyes brimmed with tears.

"Hey," Louis said giving Harry's hand another squeeze. "Do you remember the first week we had our flat, when I tried to make brownies one night and set the smoke alarm off? Twice?" Louis continued, laughing lightly. 

"Of course, it smelled awful in the kitchen for days," Harry said with a small smile.

"Yeah and since my room was closer to the kitchen, you let me stay in your room that night because it smelled so terrible?" Louis went on. "And we stayed up for hours talking about the future and what it would be like if One Direction really took off?"

"Yeah, I remember," Harry said, thinking how happy he was during the time directly after the X-Factor. So optimistic and hopeful for what was to come. And happy that Louis would be by his side the whole time.

"Well we made a promise to each other that night," Louis said, looking deep into Harry's eyes, knowing by the glint in them that he remembered that conversation. "We promised that no matter what happened to the band, we'd still be best mates and stay in London, even if we had to sing on street corners to make ends meet?"

Harry just nodded, his smile fading away as he looked down. He knew they'd said that, but things have changed. They'd planned to be best mates for life, but they grew up and grew apart. It happens.

"Harry I know I've been a shit friend to you lately, but I meant what I said that night," Louis said, rubbing his thumb on the back of Harry's hand, urging him to look up at him again. Louis knew he owed Harry a better apology than that, and he had all intentions of talking and making things right with him, but now wasn't the time.

"Your family is like my family, and there's nowhere else I'd rather be than with you guys doing whatever I can to help while you're all going through this," Louis said, feeling his eyes start to sting. He had grown to love Gemma, Anne and even Robin over the past four years. He spent more time with them than any of the other boys' families, and he'd gotten close to all of them. He'd even called Gemma a few times for advice about his sisters, or what to get his mum for her birthday. He considered her an honorary sibling, and he truly hoped she'd considered him the same way.

Tears were streaming down Harry's cheeks now, for a multitude of reasons, but he mustered a small smile for Louis. He knew how hard it was for him to say all of that.

"We're here," Paul said, pulling the boys from their conversation. They'd been so busy talking they hadn't even realized they'd pulled into the airport already. 

It was nearly 2 a.m., and Paul didn't imagine getting through the airport would cause much chaos at this hour, so he walked the boys to the desk to check their bags and then walked them to their gate without much hassle. Paul told them the show in Tulsa had been canceled for now, and someone would be in touch to let them know what the game plan was for after that. They all exchanged hugs and the boys got in line to board the plane. It was the first time in a long while they'd traveled on a commercial flight with no security, but not many people were traveling at this time in the morning, so they sat in first class with one other man sitting in the first row of seats, wearing a business suit and reading 'The New York Times.'

Harry and Louis didn't pay much attention to where their actual seats were, they just walked to the fourth row. There were two seats on one side and three on the other, so Louis put his hand out gesturing to the row and nodding at Harry, signaling him to choose where he wanted to sit. Harry slid into the side with two seats.

Harry would normally have chosen the other side, wanting more room to lounge and stretch his long legs out. But subconsciously, he needed human contact accessible, so the two seats seemed more appropriate. Maybe he just wanted to be close to Louis a bit longer, since he'd missed it, but he didn't have enough mental capacity to ponder the drastic change in his and Louis' relationship over the past couple of hours. His brain was too exhausted to try to process that.

The flight took off and a stewardess came by a while later, asking if they needed anything. 

"A couple of waters would be great, love," Louis said, knowing that's what Harry always drank on flights. Louis grabbed the bottles of water, thanking the stewardess, handing one to Harry. Harry took a swig, happy Louis ordered one for him without even having to ask. It had been a while since Harry and Louis could read each others thoughts like this, just speaking through simple gestures, but they fell back into their groove as if it was 2011 all over again.

Louis looked over at Harry as he was looking down at his phone. He was scrolling through his camera roll, stopping at photos of Gemma. He found the one of he and Gems at her graduation and stared at it for a long time. He was so proud of her that day. She had said afterward that it was nothing in comparison to all Harry'd achieved, but he told her he'd probably have failed out of uni and been a huge embarrassment, which made her laugh. Even though she knew that wasn't remotely true, it made her feel good that Harry tried to make her feel special and have all the attention that day instead of him.

Harry'd stop at some silly photos and show them to Louis. He smiled and nodded to most of them, not knowing what to say really. They didn't talk much until they reached New York to switch flights. Just looked at photos of Gemma.

When they were seated on the next flight, there were a bit more people in first class, so they had to sit in their actual seats. Luckily, they were still on a side with just two seats, so they didn't have to make awkward mid-flight small talk with the person next to them.

They didn't have carry-ons, which made traveling much easier, especially when they were heading back to England from America. It was a long trek and the time change always left them jet-lagged. 

Louis looked over at Harry where he sat by the window, noticing his eyes were still red and his face still a bit puffy from crying. His eyes looked so heavy.

"Why don't you try to rest a bit," Louis said as his eyes met Harry's.

Harry nodded, knowing he should try to sleep a bit since seeing his mum was sure to be emotional and he wanted to be rested enough to be there for her.

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Louis looked in front of him watching the movie that was playing. It was "Maid in Manhattan", and he didn't have the headphones on so he made up the lines in his head to entertain himself.

Then about 20 minutes later, he felt Harry's head roll to the side and rest on his shoulder. Harry's arms were crossed and he barely stirred, just nuzzled into Louis and continued sleeping. Louis knew he must be exhausted. A few minutes later the stewardess came by and Louis quietly pointed above him, gesturing for her to grab the blanket for him. He threw the blanket over Harry, a bit over himself and let his head rest against Harry's. He knew they had about 5 hours left, so he figured he should try to rest a bit as well. That's the last thought he had before he drifted off.

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Louis was abruptly awoken by the plane landing, and he looked over to see Harry still sleeping on his shoulder. He almost didn't have the heart to wake him, he looked too peaceful. But he knew he had to since they may have a bit more trouble getting through the airport at 4 p.m. without someone noticing them, and he wanted Harry to have time to wake up and compose himself. 

Louis reached over and shook Harry's arm, saying his name quietly. Harry slowly opened his eyes, looking around, trying to remember where he was and why he was there. It all came flooding back to him and he scrubbed his hand over his face and then looked at Louis. He saw a wet spot on the shoulder of Louis' hoodie from him drooling. Louis caught his glance and looked at his shoulder and smiled.

"Sorry, mate," Harry said sincerely. 

Louis just laughed and shook his head. He looked around and saw that there were only a few stragglers left on the plane, so he looked to Harry and gestured for them to get up and head out.

They walked off of the plane and tried to make a beeline, for the front where a car had been arranged to pick them up. Then they both slowly realized there weren't any paparazzi or fans crowded around, so they didn't have to duck and dodge. It was quite odd to not have to avoid flashing lights and screaming girls in an airport. Then again, they were supposed to be in America in the middle of tour, so no one would expect them there, would they?

They found the car waiting for them and hopped in. The driver already knew to head to Harry's house, which would only take about 20 minutes. So the boys sat quietly for a while. Harry's mind was racing, he was so anxious to see his mum. He wanted to see her and hug her, but he was so afraid to see the state she must be in. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to act. He wanted to be strong for her, but he wasn't sure if he could.

Louis could tell by the look on Harry's face that he was stressing, so he reached down and placed his hand on Harry's thigh. Harry's head snapped up to look at him.

"Harry, I can't imagine how difficult this is going to be, but I'm sure your mum will be so happy to see you and have you home for a bit regardless," Louis said, trying to sound reassuring but not sure if he succeeded.

"I know I just don't know if I'm prepared for all of this, Lou. I have to try and be strong for her, but I don't know if I can," Harry said, sounding so unsure of himself, which Louis wasn't used to. Harry was always fairly confident and secure in his abilities.

He just squeezed Harry's thigh and Harry put his hand over Louis', taking a deep breath, trying not to cry and become an emotional wreck just before seeing his mum.

"We'll get through this, Harry, I promise," Louis said. 

Harry just nodded wiping a stray tear from his eye and taking another deep breath.

He looked out the window and saw that they were turning down his mum's street. His stomach was doing somersaults and he felt like his airway was constricting.

Louis could feel Harry's hand shaking on his so he gave it a light squeeze as they pulled into the driveway of Anne and Robin's home.

The boys both slid out of the car and pulled their bags out of the trunk. The car drove away and they just stood in the same spot for about a minute.

"You ready?" Louis said, looking to Harry, not wanting to rush him.

Harry just nodded slowly and started toward the door, Louis right beside him.

He didn't know if he was ready to see his mum, or for the flood of emotions he was about to experience for the next few days. This was the darkest thing that had ever happened to Harry, and he still had no clue how a person gets through something like this. 

But he was glad that Louis was going to be there to help him through.


	4. But I got all the time for you, love

Harry and Louis approached the door and Harry stopped and took a deep breath before reaching for the handle. He knew the door would be open - Holmes Chapel wasn't really the type of town you needed to lock your doors in.

Both boys slowly walked in, leaving their suitcases next to the door. They could hear voices coming from the family room, so they followed the sound and saw Anne, Robin and Harry's Aunt Margaret sitting - just talking with red, wet faces.

"Mum?" Harry said tentatively, just loud enough for everyone to hear and snap their heads up to look at the boys.

"Oh, Harry," Anne said as she popped up from where she was sat on the couch and ran to Harry, hugging him tighter than she probably ever had in his life. She just sobbed into his neck, mumbling unintelligibly. Harry wasn't listening really he was just holding her tight and started to cry, a bit disappointed in himself for not being strong enough to hold it together for even two minutes.

Robin and Margaret stood up as well and Louis slowly walked further into the room, feeling a bit awkward being there at such a personal family moment, but wanting his presence to be known as a courtesy. Robin walked over to him and gave him a hug and a clap on the back. Louis gave him a solemn look, offering his condolences quietly. Louis had met Harry's Aunt Margaret a few times over the years. She was a lovely woman, always delightful to be around and definitely good for a laugh after a few pints. She had always been fond of Louis, and took no time to hug him and thank him for coming with Harry.

After a few minutes, Harry and Anne broke apart, both of their sobs letting up, and she finally realized Louis was there as well. As she turned to look at him she just tilted her head and started crying all over again, wrapping Louis in the warmest, most motherly hug you could imagine.

"I'm so very sorry, Anne," Louis said quietly as a few tears escaped from his eyes. He wasn't much of a crier, but the emotion in the room was so thick, and photos of Gemma were everywhere - he just couldn't hold it in this time. Anne pulled away from Louis and held his face in her hands. He could tell by how she was looking at him that she was thankful he had come with Harry, regardless of the weirdness between them recently, which he knew she must've known about. Now he felt even more terrible about how distant his relationship with Harry had been for the past year.

"Do you boys want something to eat? How about some tea?" Anne said, suddenly going into proper hostess mode.

"No, mum, we're fine," Harry answered for both of them as everyone sat down again. Robin sat with his arm around Anne, and Margaret was rubbing her back, sitting on the other side of her on the couch. Harry and Louis sat together on the loveseat, looking over at Anne trying to compose herself the best she could.

"I just can't believe this happened...my baby girl..." Anne trailed off into sobs, and everyone's eyes started to fill with tears again. Margaret disappeared from the room for a moment, presumably to grab more tissues since an empty box and several used Kleenex were scattered across the coffee table.

"Harry where are your bags, I'll bring them upstairs," Robin said in an effort to shift the attention from Anne.

"They're just by the door, I'll help you," Louis said, squeezing Harry's forearm before he stood up. He hadn't left Harry's side for the past several hours and was quite hesitant to do so even now, but he knew Harry and Anne needed a moment alone to grieve together. He looked over his shoulder as he walked out of the room to see Harry's lip quivering as he walked over to sit with his mother. Louis' heart sank seeing Harry so very, very sad - and sank even lower knowing there's nothing he can do about it.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Louis followed Robin up the stairs, carrying his suitcase while Robin dragged Harry's up, banging each step along the way.

They stopped at Harry's room, and Robin dropped the suitcase just inside the doorway. Then Robin continued to the guest room up a little ways across the hall and told Louis where everything was and to let him know if he needed anything. This wasn't Louis' first time in the Twists' guest bedroom, and memories flooded back of the times he'd spent there with all of the boys just after the X-Factor, and all of the times he and Harry had come to visit just the two of them. His heart fluttered with nostalgia, but he looked over to Robin and thanked him, telling him he just wanted to get settled and he'd be downstairs soon.

Louis didn't regret for a moment his decision to come with Harry. He wanted to be there for him in any way that he could. Even if he could offer Harry just the slightest comfort or strength during this terrible ordeal, it would be worth it; even if management had a complete conniption and threw him straight out of the band right on his arse. But he must admit, he did feel a bit out of place. It had been some time since he'd seen or talked to Anne or Robin and now he was smack dab in the middle of the most traumatic situation they'll probably ever experience in their lives.

He decided it best to give them all some time together downstairs, so Louis went into the guest bathroom to splash water on his face, which was still puffy from his cry on Anne's shoulder. He threw his suitcase on the bed, unzipped it, and threw a few shirts on the bed in an attempt to unpack. That didn't last long when he realized he'd probably be most useful unpacking Harry's things while he was downstairs surely an emotional wreck.

As he walked into Harry's room he smiled fondly to himself thinking how the room has looked exactly the same every time he's been in it, even though Harry hasn't technically lived in it for years. Louis always thought it was lovely that Anne and Robin had stayed in the same house all this time. Harry had offered to buy them a bigger house in a nicer neighborhood, but Anne refused. She said there were too many memories in that house and she wouldn't trade them in even for Buckingham Palace. Louis laughs to himself thinking just how much Harry really is like his mother.

He looked on Harry's dresser and saw photos of him and his friends from school, and tons of photos of him with Gemma and Anne. Louis felt a lump in his throat forming, so he quickly focused on unpacking. He had all of Harry's things folded and in his drawers in just about ten minutes before he heard the doorbell ring. He knew it must be family or friends coming to pay condolences, offer comfort or bring food or something. Whatever kind of shit you usually do during a time like this.

To avoid getting in the way or making things awkward, Louis decided to take a quick shower and stay out of the way for now. Besides, he had just been on a seven-hour flight - a shower was quite necessary, if you ask him. He was absolutely ecstatic to throw on some trackies and a T-shirt and be comfortable.

Louis was freshened up about a half an hour later and figured he'd better head back down so Harry didn't think he'd bailed on him. As he came down the steps he heard voices in the kitchen, so he headed in that direction. He looked to see four more people there, one he recognized as Robin's sister, Millie, who he'd met once. She was a jolly woman with a knack for cooking, so Louis knew all of the food spread on island in the kitchen must have been from her. He stood leant against the kitchen doorway watching as Anne and Harry started putting away all of the things Millie brought. Apparently she thinks the entire Royal Navy will be over soon with the amount of food and drink she provided.

Harry suddenly looks over and sees Louis in the doorway as he's putting away some bottled water. He gestures with the one in his hand, offering it to Louis. Louis nods and walks over to grab it from him.

"How're you doing?" Louis says, looking at Harry's face. It seems like he may have gone an entire 30 minutes so far without crying, so that was a start.

Harry just shrugged, nodding his head toward Millie and rolling his eyes, giving Louis a smile small. Millie was a robust woman, loud and dramatic, and while she meant well, she was one of those people who always said the wrong thing at the wrong time.

"Harry, dear, you look dreadful," Millie started, "I made some delicious stew let me heat it up for you. I tried a new recipe with this one and I really think you'll like it..." Louis stopped listening after that, and had to walk away before his patience ran out. How can you tell someone they look dreadful after they've just found out their sister died? What did she expect? His hair fully fluffed and an Armani suit? Cow.

Louis headed over to the sliding glass doors off of the living room and walked onto the back porch. He took a deep breath of the fresh air and closed his eyes for a few moments. He looked over to the patio furniture and remembered a few times he, Harry and Gemma stayed up for hours drinking and talking outside during their visits. They would tell her crazy fan stories or celebrity gossip they'd overheard, and she would tell them funny stories from uni, which were equally entertaining.

Then Louis looked over to the outdoor swing that was on the other side of the porch, and went and sat down. He took a swig of his water and shook his damp hair out before taking a headband out of his pocket and putting his hair back. He heard the doorbell ring again and figured it was more family or friends. He had a momentary internal struggle deciding whether he should go inside and try to make himself useful, or stay put and sort himself out a bit.

Before he could decide he heard the sliding glass doors open and looked to see Harry walking over to the swing.

"Hey," Louis said, trying to gauge Harry's mood before he went on. Harry seemed like he hadn't been crying in a while, but looked absolutely knackered.

"I'm sorry I haven't been in there helping you, I just didn't want to get in the way," Louis said as Harry took a seat next to him on the swing.

"You wouldn't have been in the way," Harry said looking at Louis, not wanting him to feel unwelcome in his home regardless of the circumstances.

"I just had to get out of there, a few of mum's friends came and they're all out of sorts, I just can't take any more tonight," Harry went on as he rested his head on the back of the swing and closed his eyes.

Louis slowly started rocking the swing hoping it would help relax Harry a bit. While he should have been resting upstairs he's been busy offering people water and putting fruitcakes away. Louis felt like a twat for not helping and just wandering around trying to sort his own thoughts out like selfish jerk.

"Maybe we should call the boys?" Louis said, wanting to distract Harry a bit and actually let the boys know what was going on. He took out his phone and dialed Liam's number, knowing he was most likely to answer and have a fully charged battery - and probably even a special ringtone for Louis. Liam was fairly Type A.

Liam answered after barely two rings, and it sounded like he had them on speaker phone as well, so all of the boys must be there.

"Hello? Louis? What's going on? How is everything? How's Harry?" Liam said all at once.

"Hey, mate," Louis started, trying to decide which question to answer first.

"Hi fellas," Harry added, so they knew he was there and OK for the moment.

"Harry, how are you? How's your mum?" Niall said, voice full of concern.

"She's doing OK, we have a house full at the moment so she's been a bit distracted which I suppose is good right now," Harry said.

Louis knew Harry'd avoided answering about himself, since he wasn't really OK, but didn't want to tell the boys that and have them worry more than they already were. So Louis tried to shift the subject.

"Any word from management, boys? Have they started auditions for my spot yet?" Louis said in an attempt to lighten the mood a bit.

"Well they canceled Tulsa," Liam started, going in Daddy Direction mode again, "And they just told us a bit ago they're canceling New Orleans as well."

There was a pause for just enough time for Louis to tell some news was coming that he probably wouldn't be happy to hear.

"But they really don't want to cancel the two shows this weekend," Liam went on, "And wanted us to see maybe when you guys thought you'd be back."

That made Louis' blood boil. The first show in Charlotte was Saturday and it was only Monday. Yeah, four days should be plenty of time to get over the death of your only sister and best friend and be ready to jump around and sing for two hours pretending to be chipper as hell. Were they fucking serious? Four days? Not going to happen. Not if Louis had anything to say about it.

"Mate," Louis started, trying to remain calm, "that isn't going to happen. That's four days away. You tell them they'd better start preparing to cancel the rest of the tour. Tell them they can take the money they're going to lose out of my paycheck and shove it up their arses," Louis said a little more harshly than he'd intended. He knew it wasn't Liam's fault management didn't want to cancel seven shows, that's millions of dollars in lost revenue; but could they be more insensitive? Twats.

Harry felt Louis tense next to him and tried to diffuse the situation a bit.

"I don't know about this weekend lads, but we're going to make the arrangements tomorrow, so I'll know more then, " Harry said, hoping that'd be enough to tide management over for now.

"You take all the time you need, mate, if we have to cancel the tour that's what we'll do. No one expects you to be ready to perform any time soon. Fuck management," Niall said. He and Louis always had a similar mentality towards management, and Louis smirked, happy Niall had their backs. Liam was a bit meeker when it came to challenging management, and well Zayn, just didn't care much either way.

"Yeah we'll call you boys tomorrow with an update. We just wanted to let you know we're here in one piece," Louis said, not wanting an argument about management to spur when Harry was in such a delicate state already.

"That sounds good, mate," Liam started, "we'll talk to you guys then - Harry give your family our best, we're thinking about you all."

"Thanks, Liam. We'll talk to you guys tomorrow," Harry said.

Louis hung the phone up and leaned back in the swing, looking over to Harry who had his elbows resting on his knees, looking down at the ground. Louis knew Harry was stressing about pissing management off and letting the fans down. Such a sweet boy, always concerned about everyone else. Louis put his arm around Harry's shoulder and kissed his temple.

"Don't worry about it, Haz, we'll figure it out," Louis said, a bit surprised at how easily Harry's nickname rolled off his tongue after not using it for quite a while.

"Let's go see how your mum's doing, yeah?" he continued, standing up and putting his hand out to help Harry up. Harry grabbed it and they walked back into the house together, ready to face another wave of hugs, tears and 'I'm so sorrys' from whoever had stopped by. They both took deep breaths and headed into the kitchen.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After about two hours, everyone had cleared out and Louis was helping Anne wash the dishes. While Anne, Harry and Louis had absolutely no appetite whatsoever, the other guests had helped themselves to Millie's food. Anne was rinsing the dishes and Louis was putting them in the dishwasher. Harry had disappeared a while ago, and Louis left him be, thinking he probably needed some time alone.

Louis reached to grab a dish from Anne, still looking down at the dishwasher, and he felt Anne grab his wrist gently.

"Louis," Anne started as Louis looked over at her, "I don't know what happened between you and Harry, but I'm very glad that he's had someone there for him through all of this," she said with a smile. "And I'm very, very glad that it was you."

Louis felt like absolute shit. He let his own insecurities and thoughtlessness ruin his friendship with Harry, and he and his family still welcome him with open arms. He knew he didn't deserve Anne's gratefulness and kindness, but he was so glad he had it. She's an amazing woman.

"Anne, I..." Louis started when Anne cut him off and continued.

"I worry about him, Louis. I know he's a big boy now, but he's still my baby. I used to feel like he would always be safe with you around, that you'd protect him while I couldn't. And I don't know what changed between you two, and I don't care. I'm just glad you're here. And I know that Harry is too," she said, putting her hand to Louis' face and pulling him in to kiss his forehead.

Louis didn't even know what to say. But he looked at her and smiled, and it was like she silently understood his 'thank you,' not just for what she'd said, but for loving him and being willing to forget that he was such an arse to her son.

"Now go see where he's been off to, yeah?" Anne said, gesturing with her head for Louis to leave her to finish up the dishes.

Louis headed upstairs, thinking Harry was probably passed out in his bed by now. As he made it to Harry's room, he saw the door was open and the light was off, so he peeked in. No Harry.

He walked farther down the hallway to the guest bedroom, which was just as he left it. Then he heard sniffles, and saw the light on and the door cracked in Gemma's room just a bit down the hall. Louis walked over and pushed the door open slowly to see Harry sitting on the floor with his legs crossed leaning back against the side of Gemma's bed, with pictures, papers, yearbooks, drawings and photo albums scattered around him on the floor. He just looked up at Louis with tears streaming down his face.

Louis walked over slowly and sat down next to Harry in the midst of Gemma's scattered belongings.

He didn't say anything, just picked up a photo album and started looking through it. It was full of photos of Harry and Gemma as kids. He was probably 7 or 8, so she must've been 10 or 11. Louis came across a Halloween photo of Gemma dressed as a fairy or something of that nature, and Harry as a clown. A cute, adorable clown with a big red nose, and an absolutely miserable look on his face.

He laughed and tilted the album toward Harry with his eyebrows raised.

Harry looked at the photo and laughed out loud. One of his hearty Harry laughs that always made him immediately cover his mouth. Only he didn't this time.

"I was so mad that year. I wanted to be a power ranger, but I had to use Gemma's old costume because mum waited too long and couldn't find the costume before Halloween," Harry said.

Louis just laughed.

"She looks beautiful, though, doesn't she?" Harry said referring to Gemma in the photo.

Louis nodded and smiled, reaching out to squeeze Harry's knee.

Another tear fell from Harry's eye and Louis reached up and wiped it away.

"You know what, you should pull out your favorite photos and we can make some collages or picture boards or something," Louis said in attempt to find something for Harry to focus on.

Harry smiled, "Yeah that's a great idea."

He and Louis sat there for nearly two hours looking at photos and putting aside the best or most silly ones, along with some of Gemma's favorites that Harry knew she'd want to be included. Harry would tell stories about some of the photos, and Louis just sat and listened. He'd poke fun at some of the embarrassing photos of Harry, just to make him laugh. He and Harry hadn't bantered this much in ages, and some of the fond memories made Harry smile, which made Louis happy. He was so sick of seeing him sad.

It was nearly 3 a.m. when Louis looked at the clock, and they had tons of photos ready to put together some picture boards, but he was exhausted - and knew Harry must be too.

"What do you say we finish this up tomorrow - I'm knackered," Louis said, looking over at Harry.

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea I think we're meant to be at the funeral parlor at 9 a.m. to make the arrangements," Harry said, looking at the clock.

Louis looked down at the photo he was holding in his hands, one of Gemma standing by a rose bush. She must have been about 18, and her face glowed in the sunlight. She looked like an angel. It made Louis' eyes sting a bit thinking of her as a real angel now. He was pulled from his thoughts when Harry quietly spoke again.

"Lou, will you come?" Harry said, and Louis looked in his green eyes, he'd almost forgotten how mesmerizing they could be, "To the funeral parlor, I mean."

Louis wasn't sure if that would be appropriate, it seemed like something personal for just the family to be a part of. He's sure Harry's dad would be there, and he probably wouldn't be too fond of anyone but he, Anne and Harry being there to make any decisions.

Harry must've been able to tell Louis was hesitant, so he went on, "I'd really like you to come. Who knows how my parents are going to act and - I really just want you to be there."

How could Louis say no to that face, with his puppy dog expression, sniffling with red cheeks and bloodshot eyes.

"Sure, Harry, that's what I'm here for," Louis said, patting Harry's knee. Harry gave him a small, but grateful smile.

"Alright, bed time, young man," he went on, standing up and reaching his hands out to pull Harry up as well.

He walked with Harry to his room, which was past the guest bedroom, but he wanted to be sure Harry could find what he needed since Louis just kind of randomly put things away when he was unpacking for him.

Harry must not have been in there yet, because he looked at his empty suitcase on the floor a bit confused, and then looked over to Louis.

"I put all the clothes in these two drawers," Louis said gesturing to the top drawers in the dresser against the wall, "And all of your shower things are in the bathroom," Louis said feeling his face redden a bit, but he could tell Harry was thankful that he didn't have to unpack at this ungodly hour.

"Tea?" Louis said, knowing Harry always liked tea before bed. At least he used to.

"Yeah I'd love some. I'll help you," Harry said turning toward the door. Louis stopped him with a hand on his chest and Harry just looked at him.

"I think I can handle a kettle, mate," Louis said and Harry laughed.

Louis returned a few minutes later with two mugs, walking dramatically slowly to make Harry laugh, but also genuinely trying not to spill any of the steaming hot tea. Of course he was unsuccessful and a bit spilled on his hand and he hissed, setting them both down on the nightstand next to Harry's bed. Harry was already in bed with his eyes closed, but they opened when he heard Louis hiss in pain.

"Y'alright?" Harry said, a look of deep concern on his face, which made Louis smile.

"I think it may be third degree, we should probably call the paramedics," Louis said feigning serious injury, making Harry laugh lightly.

They just looked at each other for a few moments in silence, Louis trying to find the right words to part with for the night. So he just leaned down and kissed Harry on the forehead, with a "See you in the morning, Haz," and turning to grab his tea, Louis felt Harry's fingers wrap around his wrist.

"Lou," Harry said, and Louis looked down at him. "Hm?" Louis said, eyes starting to feel very heavy.

"Will you stay?" Harry said quietly. Louis could see Harry's cheeks flush in the moonlight, and his heart fluttered a bit. Harry and Louis had cuddled thousands of times, but not in quite some time, and never under these circumstances. Louis heart broke thinking of how terribly distraught Harry'd been for nearly two days, and he wanted to offer him any sort of comfort and security he could. That's what he was there for, after all.

"Of course, love. Budge over," Louis said lifting the blankets.

He slid in next to Harry, who had rolled over facing away from Louis, but they remained close enough that their bodies were touching shoulders to knees.

After a few minutes Harry reached behind him and pulled Louis' arm over his side so he was spooned behind him, holding their clasped hands against his chest. Harry meant it as a silent "thank you," not just for staying with him, but for everything. Louis took it that way and pressed a light kiss into Harry's hair, squeezing against his chest. 

Within minutes, they both drifted off feeling more comfortable and relaxed than they'd been in ages, next to two cold, full cups of tea.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are lovely, you don't know how much they mean to me! Thanks for taking the time to read <3


	5. The space between, the tears we cry

Harry felt a gentle hand on his shoulder shaking him awake, and he groggily opened his eyes to see Louis sitting at the edge of the bed next to him.

"Mornin' Haz," Louis said, moving his hand to push the hair back that had fallen on Harry's forehead.

"Lou?" Harry let out, obviously readjusting to where he was and why he was there.

"We have to leave in about an hour, mate, your mum's made breakfast," Louis said, looking down at Harry. Louis wasn't much of a morning person, but there he sat showered and dressed at 7:30 a.m. He had been up for hours and had already gone and unpacked his things in the guest room, gotten ready and helped Anne with breakfast. He didn't have the heart to tell Harry that he'd kept him awake with his fidgeting and groaning all night, a few "Gems" escaping from his lips, making Louis' heart ache, leaving him wide awake.

"Right," Harry said, sitting up and scrubbing his face. "I just have to shower - I'll be down," he said and Louis squeezed his shoulder, then stood up and walked out of the room, heading back downstairs.

Harry slung the blankets back and got out of bed, walking over to the dresser to get some clothes before he headed to the bathroom. He reached to open the top drawer when he realized there was a pair of skinny jeans, a plaid shirt and his favorite green headscarf sat in a pile on top of the dresser. At first he though it was his mum that put them out, like she always had when he was a kid. But then he realized they were his favorite black jeans that had a hole in the knee, and his mum would never encourage him to wear those - she'd have set out a pair of khakis and a blazer or something. Louis must have put these out for him, he thought. The realization made his heart flutter, and then he blinked his eyes a few times, grabbed the clothes and headed to shower. Harry didn't want to let himself get used to having the old Louis back; the Louis that protected him and took care of him. He appreciated everything Louis was doing, really he did, but he knew it would be over as soon as they left Holmes Chapel. He had to remember that.

About 20 minutes later Harry came downstairs to see Anne and Louis sitting across from each other at the kitchen island, mugs of tea in hand. Anne set hers down and hurried over to hug Harry tightly.

"Good morning, love," she said pulling back and lifting her hands to cup Harry's face, "How about some breakfast?"

Anne seemed awake and composed for the moment, but Harry knew she hadn't slept. He was reassured when looked over to the fry-up spread out on the counter that must've taken hours to make for four.

He wasn't hungry, but he still sat next to Louis at the island and let his mom shove a heaping plate of food in front of him. He took a bite and then just kind of moved the food around his plate  with his fork. He noticed Louis didn't have a plate in front of him, so he figured he must have already eaten.

All of their heads snapped up when they heard a loud crash upstairs followed by some cursing and clambering around, and Anne quickly got up to see what was happening with Robin upstairs.

Louis looked over at Harry's still full plate, and sighed, not wanting to coddle him but knowing Harry needed to get something in his stomach.

"Just eat a little bit, yeah?" Louis said, careful not to make it sound like a command. "It was delicious," he went on, hoping to encourage Harry to eat more. After all, Harry had no way of knowing that Louis told Anne he ate while she was showering, which was a bold-faced lie. His appetite had been gone since the moment he walked into Harry's hotel room, and showed no signs of returning.

Harry just nodded and took a bite of toast.

"Your mum said your dad is meeting us at the funeral parlor, he's headed there now," Louis said, trying to change the subject, hoping Harry would continue to mindlessly eat if they kept talking.

Harry just nodded again and took another bite from his toast, then let it drop from his fingers back to his plate, looking a bit nauseous. Louis knew Harry's relationship with his father wasn't nearly as close as with Anne, and while he loved him, he never knew what to expect from him. He was always a bit wary before seeing him.

Louis could tell Harry was also stressing about his parents seeing each other and having to make decisions together, knowing they barely agreed on anything and had argued nearly every time they'd spoken since their divorce.

So Louis just started rubbing Harry's lower back, trying to help him relax a bit.

Harry could remember back when they first started performing live and he'd be upset after a gig, and Louis would rub his back just like this. Louis was always known for being the funny, loud one who was always poking fun at the other boys and pulling pranks, but there were times when he could be the most caring, compassionate, comforting person you could imagine. There were times Harry was homesick when they'd lived together and Louis would cuddle him on the couch as they watched a movie, trying to make him feel better. Not many people got to see that side of Louis, and Harry had always felt very special that he did.

Harry was taken from his thoughts when he heard Robin and Anne coming down the stairs. He knew that meant it was time to leave, grateful that he wouldn't have to pretend to eat any more and his mum wouldn't push the subject because she was so anxious about going to the funeral parlor.

All four of them piled into Robin's BMW X3, a birthday present from Harry that he'd refused to drive for the first three months because he insisted it was too extravagant a gift. He finally gave in and started using it because he felt even worse making it seem like Harry had wasted his money by letting it sit in the driveway unused.

Everyone was quiet during the ride, Anne and Robin were holding hands in the front and Harry and Louis both stared out their respective windows in the back while some adult contemporary music played lightly in the background.

Harry hadn't dared until now, but he decided to open up his Twitter feed and saw that #RIPGemma and #WeLoveYouHarry were both trending, meaning the media must've gotten wind of Gemma's death by now. As he scrolled, he could see tons of photos and YouTube tribute videos in honor of Gemma and that made him truly smile. They really did have the best fans in the world. He didn't have the heart to watch any of the videos at the moment, but he read all of the lovely things people were saying about Gemma, and his eyes started to water.

Louis turned to see Harry's tear-filled eyes and then he looked down and saw him holding his phone out to him so he could take a look. Louis grabbed the phone and started to scroll, and he smiled after seeing the outpouring of love and concern from their fans. He looked to Harry and nodded, handing him back his phone, and reaching up to wipe away a few stray tears that had fallen down Harry's cheeks.

Louis didn't know how many more times he could see Harry cry before his heart literally broke into a million pieces. And the more he tried to comfort him, the more like shit he felt for being such an asshole to him for so long. He wished he could find the words to explain to Harry that he cares about him, he was just in a terrible position and handled it like shit. He could admit that now, but couldn't get rid of the sinking feeling that he'd caused too much irreparable damage. He thought he was protecting everyone by pushing Harry away - and he really thought he could handle that sacrifice. He's finally starting to realize that deep down - he can't.

Louis put his hand on Harry's forearm to get his attention, trying to distract him and help him stay composed before they got to the funeral parlor. When Harry looked up at him, Louis gave him a quizzical look, staring at the scarf on his head. There was nothing wrong with it, but Louis reached over to adjust it a bit and tuck in a few stray pieces of hair. Then gave Harry a smile and a thumbs up, to let him know he'd just saved him from what was sure to be a national fashion disaster. Harry's heart fluttered seeing Louis give him a thumbs up, one of the signals they had with a few different meanings, but their signal all the same. Harry gave one right back with a small smile.

They pulled into the funeral parlor and the foursome walked inside. Louis hadn't been to many funerals, but now he remembered why he'd always hated them. The parlor smelled like overly-perfumy flowers and death. The carpets were maroon and there were flowered wallpapers everywhere, as if they were trying to brighten up a place full of sorrow and misery. A failed attempt if you ask him.

They stood in the lobby for a moment with no sign of anyone around, so they walked farther in. Down a ways in what looked like another lobby area, stood Harry's father. He must have heard them shuffling in because he looked over and simultaneously he and Harry ran to each other and hugged tightly. Harry had started crying all over again, making Louis' efforts futile, but soon everyone had wet faces as Des came to hug Anne quickly and give Robin a handshake. He stopped at Louis and clapped him on the back, thanking him for coming. Louis was surprised that Des wasn't more shocked at his presence, but he wasn't going to argue.

A few minutes later a short, pudgy, bald man in a suit scurried over and introduced himself as George, the funeral director. He ushered the five of them into what was presumably his office, with a desk and three chairs in front of it. Anne took a seat, then Harry sat in the middle and Des on the other end. Robin stood behind Anne with his hands on her shoulders, so Louis stood behind Harry. He kept his hands to himself but stood close enough that Harry knew he was there, and he rested his shoulders back against him.

"So you must be the parents, and the..." he asked referring to Des and Anne and gesturing at Harry.

"Brother, Harry," Anne finished for him, "And this is my husband, Robin," she went on, putting her hand on top of Robin's on her shoulder. Louis immediately tensed, not sure how he was going to explain himself or what the hell he was doing there. Oh, I'm the "former-yet-kind-of-still-best-friend-turned-jerkoff-who-treated-her-brother-like-crap-but-genuinely-cares-about-him-honest," yeah that sounds great.

"And this is our close family friend, Louis," Anne continued, reaching to squeeze Louis' arm. He should have known Anne would have that covered. She is an absolutely amazing woman, proven time and again.

George gave everyone his condolences and started going on about the soonest available dates for the service. They had decided there wasn't going to be a wake or public viewing, because there was too much of a chance that someone would come just to get a glimpse of Harry. That made Harry feel absolutely sick that even in her death, he was taking the attention away from his sister. No one blamed him of course, but he felt bad about it all the same. They had decided to have a small service at the parlor with just family a few very close friends. Then George pulled out a binder and set it in front of Harry, Anne and Des, flipping a few of the pages. Caskets. Louis saw a few as the pages turned. Different colors, oddly shaped ones, made out of all kinds of materials. How could there be that many options, he thought. Not to be insensitive, but it's something you'll see for a few hours and it'll spend the rest of eternity six feet in the ground.

George went on about the prices and which one was the best deal, coming off sounding like a used car salesman which pissed Louis off. He had an urge that he almost couldn't contain to punch that fat bastard in his face, until he heard Harry speak.

"Money isn't an issue," he said to George. "Whatever you guys want," Harry continued, looking side to side at his parents.

Anne flipped a few pages in the binder and found a lovely one, that looked quite feminine and had an understated elegance about it, just like Gemma. "I like this one," she said, looking over to Harry and Des. They both nodded, neither of them caring much about which one she chose, as long as she was happy with it.

"Right then, now the body is coming over from the hospital tomorrow, so we'll have to start the embalming process. We'll have to have the clothing for the deceased by then..." Harry stopped listening after that. He started to feel sick and light-headed hearing his sister referred to as 'a body' and 'the deceased.'

"Excuse me, where's the restroom, please?" Harry interrupted, not sure he could contain the two bites of toast he had in his stomach much longer.

"It's just down the hallway on the left by..." George started and Harry was already up and out of the room before he could finish. Louis followed quickly after him, hurrying down the hallway to see the bathroom door already shut.

"Haz, it's me," he said knocking lightly. He tried the handle and it was unlocked, so he slowly walked in to see Harry knelt down by the toilet. Harry looked up and his face was wet, and he was alternating between sobs and dry heaving, with his elbows rested on the toilet seat. Although it seems a bit gross, Louis looked in the toilet to see whatever it was that Harry had thrown up - bile mostly. He didn't have much in his stomach that could come back up anyhow. Louis just walked over and squatted down next to Harry, rubbing his back and placing a kiss on his temple.

"I'm sorry," Harry said between sobs, trying to compose himself and steady his breathing. He couldn't help feeling a bit embarrassed. Especially in front of Louis, who he half expected to crack a joke at his weak stomach. Not in a cruel way, but Louis usually dealt with his emotions with humor, and it would sometimes come off a bit insensitive. He never meant it to seem that way, but it was just how he was.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, love. This is all overwhelming for everyone," Louis said. Harry just looked at him, and saw blue eyes filled with kindness and compassion. It made his heart ache to have Louis be so nice to him. With every piece of the old Louis that had shone through over the past few days, Harry couldn't help but think - hope, really - that maybe, just maybe, they could build a relationship again. For the first time in ages, he really felt like that was a possibility.

"Let's get you cleaned up," Louis said, helping Harry up by the arm. Harry stood up, taking a few deep breaths and Louis went to wet a paper towel in the sink. He walked back to Harry and wiped the tears from his face with the paper towel, and a bit around his mouth in case there were any remnants of upchuck.

"Hold on," Louis said, tossing the paper towel in the wastebasket by the sink and walking out the door. He came back in a few seconds with two red and white wrapped peppermints, handing one to Harry.

"I saw them when I walked over," Louis said, referring to a bowl of the mints that were set out on a table in the hallway.

"Thanks, Louis," Harry said, unwrapping the mint and placing it in his mouth. Louis did the same and Harry hesitantly continued, "I mean really - thank you. For everything you've done. You shouldn't have to deal with all of this and..." Harry trailed off as he started to tear up again and his bottom lip started to quiver.

"Hey, come 'ere," Louis said and pulled Harry into a tight hug, reaching his hand up, tangling his fingers in Harry's curls. "You don't have to thank me for anything, Harry. I will always be here for you," Louis said, surprising even himself with those words. He meant them whole-heartedly, but he knew he had to earn Harry's trust back a bit and prove to him that he really was his best mate and would really be there for him any time, no matter what happened then or what happens now.

"We'll talk later, yeah?" Louis went on, pulling back and wiping Harry's cheeks, "let's go back out there." Harry nodded and they headed back to George's office.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Des had come back to Anne and Robin's after the funeral parlor, where Aunt Margaret and a few other family and friends were there waiting with a spread of food and drink for everyone. Louis is slowly learning that when someone dies, apparently everyone thinks that puts the family at risk of starvation. There was enough food to last the year probably, and no one had much of an appetite to eat it, so it seemed quite wasteful to him.

Harry had carried down a bunch of the photos he and Louis had sorted out the night before and let his mum and dad and family members look through them, and they all started working on a few picture boards for the service. It served well as a distraction for most of them and they all started talking about their memories from when Gemma was little as they all sat around Anne's large dining room table. Louis just sort of hung around in the background, walking around trying not to pry, but happy to see Harry laugh as the others talked fondly about Gemma. Louis had begun to cherish seeing Harry smile. He had taken for granted that there hadn't been many times he'd seen Harry not smiling or in a good mood. And when he was a bit moody around the boys, it was usually Louis' fault and he knew it. And again he felt like absolute garbage.

Louis felt a bit creepy lurking around like he was for nearly two hours, so he went out the back sliding glass doors to sit on the swing, which had become sort of his favorite place in Anne's home. He just breathed in the fresh air and swung back and forth lightly. He felt like his mind was going a mile a minute with everything that had gone on the past couple of days. For the first time in literally years now, he and Harry were alone together for more than five seconds. They were talking and touching and smiling at each other. He knew it seemed silly to have missed just being able to talk to someone and see them smile, but he had. He really missed most everything about Harry.

He knew he had to talk to him, but he didn't even know where to start. He owed him several apologies and explanations, and he didn't want to stress him out even more with everything he was already going through. But he hoped Harry would want to talk and clear a few things up. After all, it wasn't him who wanted space, it was Louis. It wasn't him who was too insecure and let all the Larry Stylinson shit get to him, it was Louis. And it wasn't him who told his best friend in the world to bugger off when they were in front of cameras so he didn't have to deal with bullshit rumors - that again, was Louis.

Louis was taken from his thoughts when he heard the doors open, and Harry popped his head outside.

"Tea?" Harry said, and Louis stood up walking over to the doors.

"Yes, please," Louis said as he walked inside behind Harry.

He looked around to see that everyone had gone and it was nearly 11 p.m. He was absolutely exhausted and knew Harry must be too. After Harry made their teas, they both headed upstairs. There was an awkward moment when they got to Harry's room and just kind of stood there for a few seconds. Louis didn't want to assume that Harry wanted him to stay with him again, and he didn't want to ask and make him feel like a child. But he also wanted to give Harry enough time to ask if he was going to. He didn't.

"Well, better go get my beauty sleep, see you tomorrow, Haz," Louis said turning and walking toward the guest room.

"Louis," he heard Harry say and he turned back around to face him.

"Um, uh...whaddya say we call the lads quick?" Harry said, and Louis nodded and followed him into his room.

They called all of the boys separately because now that four shows had been canceled, they were all kind of doing their own things for now. Niall ended up in L.A. doing some songwriting and Zayn and Liam headed back to London. Liam was a nervous wreck when they spoke, Zayn didn't have much to say, just that to call if they needed anything, and Niall of course shared a few funny stories about who he'd run into in L.A. making them all laugh, and then of course gave his best and said he'd talk to them soon.

Harry and Louis were sat next to each other, backs against the headboard, in Harry's bed, with Louis' phone sat in between them.

"He is a menace, that boy," Louis said referring to Niall, and Harry laughed lightly and looked down at his hands in his lap.

"Yeah he's outdoing himself this tour, I think," Harry went on. He and Niall had gotten very close over the past year, since he was the only one that didn't seem bothered that Harry had his own things going on and spent a lot of time in L.A. Niall and Harry were both silly and made each other laugh, and had always got on well, but since Harry had felt sort of deserted by the other boys, he and Niall had grown especially close. Niall was never one to judge or hold grudges.

"Yeah, you two are quite the pair on stage lately," Louis went on, trying to say it as casually as possible, but Harry knew him well enough to hear a slight twinge of jealousy in his voice. After all, no one had had more chemistry on stage and in general that Harry and Louis for the first two years of the band.

"Lou, I..." Harry started but Louis cut him off, making the immediate decision to dive right in and have the conversation he'd been wanting to have with Harry all this time.

"Haz, I think we should talk," Louis said turning to face Harry, reaching across him to set his empty mug on the nightstand.

"Yeah, OK," Harry said, mentally preparing himself to hear the whole 'you know things are going to go back to the way they were after we leave here,' speech that he had been dreading.

"I've been a total twat, and I'm so, so sorry, Harry," Louis said and Harry's head snapped up to look over at Louis.

That was absolutely not what he was expecting to come out of Louis' mouth.

Louis could see Harry's surprise and took a deep breath, not sure if he was ready to have this conversation, but decided to put his big boy pants on and get his fucking shit together. He needed to get this out, and now was as good a time as any.

Here goes nothing, he thought.


	6. Is the laughter, keeps us coming back for more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this isn't too confusing because the timeline had to jump around a bit. I just wanted to explain the background properly. Ah, hope you enjoy!

Harry just kind of looked over at Louis, a dumbfounded expression on his face, not sure where this conversation was going now. He'd been so ready to hear Louis kindly, but honestly, explain to him that life would go back to normal after this whole ordeal. You know, barely speaking to each other, rarely interacting onstage and no hanging out outside of One Direction-related commitments.

Louis took Harry's shock and silence as his cue to continue, so he did.

"I just want you to know that I never, ever meant for things to turn out this way," Louis said, looking straight into Harry's eyes to convey the sincerity he truly felt saying those words, even after all this time.

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_It was 2012, after the Late Late Show in Ireland, and he snapped at Harry when he'd asked him if he was alright after Larry Stylinson was brought up in the interview. Harry could tell those questions were starting to bother Louis, especially since he'd been dating Eleanor for a year at that point. In the beginning, Louis had found it funny - quite amusing, really - that people genuinely thought he and Harry were a well and true couple; persecuted by their management for their lifestyle and forced into a life of secrets and lies. Quite dramatic, really. And he did want to be a drama teacher at one point. The irony wasn't lost on him._

_But that wasn't the case. I mean, management had asked that Larry Stylinson not be brought up in interviews after a while, just because it began to get a bit awkward. Harry was shit at addressing any of it so it always left Louis to respond. Either making fun or getting pissed and annoyed. Both reactions took attention away from the other boys, the music, the merchandise, the tours - you know, the important stuff that gives all of them a paycheck? Management didn't mind the Larry Stylinson rumors because at least it kept people talking about the boys and maybe even drew in a few fans. But they didn't want it to constantly be the focus of every interview and get out of hand. There was a fine line between it being a rumor that could be swept under the rug, or an issue that would have conservative parents burning their kids' One Direction albums._

_At first Louis really could brush it off, laughing and slinging his arm around Harry as if it were the most outrageous thing in the world. They were just best mates, no big deal. But then, even after they'd seemingly denied it, and the rumors still continued, Louis started to get pissed. He didn't like to be judged and he didn't like people to say things about him that weren't true. So he started to become a bit annoyed with the fans for not letting it go. Then he started acting differently with Harry. He would pretend he didn't hear him when he went to talk to him on stage or in an interview, and any time he knew cameras were around he would just avoid Harry all together. He figured there could be no smoke without fire, right?_

_Then one day, when they were in rehearsals for the Take Me Home tour, Harry pulled Louis aside, looking deeply concerned. He'd asked Louis what he'd done wrong, and why he'd been ignoring his texts and avoiding him at management meetings and rehearsals. Louis just shrugged and said he was sorry and he meant nothing by it - which was a complete fucking lie. It broke his heart to see Harry so distraught, and as determined as Louis was to extinguish these rumors, he did miss Harry, and hated not talking to him and acting normally around him._

_He felt bad, really he did, but the Larry Stylinson saga had also become disrespectful to Eleanor and their whole relationship. The more he heard about the 'management conspiracy' rumors, the more pissed he became. That meant everyone thought he was a liar, and would either be leading some poor girl on or going along with some asinine plan from management to have 'a beard' while he and Harry were secretly shacking up between interviews. He was not a liar, nor an actor, and he was kind of insulted that people really thought he'd actually go along with something so ridiculous._

_So for the beginning of the TMH tour, things weren't too bad. They were still a bit distant for Harry's liking, but Louis was a bit more conscious about being flat out rude and ignoring him. Louis had become a bit closer with Zayn, though, which made Harry's heart hurt. But Louis figured since he and Zayn were both in pretty serious relationships, no gay rumors would float around - and they didn't, at least not to the Larry Stylinson extent. Then Harry really started to get upset when he slowly started to realize throughout the tour that he was literally the only one that Louis didn't interact normally with anymore. He would still joke with the other boys, and mess about on stage. But he would stay as far away from Harry as he could and when they had to be near each other, he tried his best to not make eye contact or even glance in his direction._

_So again, he pulled Louis aside in the middle of the North American tour, and asked him why he was treating him so differently._

_"What have I done, Lou? I don't understand where all of this is coming from," Harry said with tears in his eyes, which made Louis' heart sink._

_"Harry I told you, this Larry Stylinson shit is too much. Every time we talk, stand next to each other or even look at each other for Christ's sake it's all over social media and I become the guy with a fake girlfriend who's really in love with his band mate," Louis said, trying to be as sensitive as he could. "And it's really starting to bother El, and I don't blame her. I'm sorry, Harry, but the only thing I can really do is give them nothing to work with anymore. If we don't joke around in interviews and act like idiots on stage together, it gives them no ammunition to ruin my relationship."_

_That made Harry a bit angry, because he knew if Louis wasn't in a relationship, or Eleanor hadn't been bothered so much by it, they would still be fine and Louis would just make light of it like he'd always done from the beginning. He couldn't really be mad at her, because it must be hard to deal with being called 'a beard' constantly, but he subconsciously resented her anyway for taking away his best mate. Harry wasn't much of a confrontational person, though, so he decided to suck it up and deal with it._

_"I understand," Harry said, barely above a whisper, and turned and walked out of Louis' dressing room because he could feel himself about to get emotional. So he walked to his car with silent tears streaming down his face, not sure why he was so upset exactly, but he was upset nonetheless._

_After the TMH tour ended, Harry started to spend a lot more time in L.A. And in turn, he began to get more media attention and make new Hollywood friends. It didn't bother any of the other boys at first, but it had gotten under Louis' skin. Badly._

_Louis knew it wasn't right or remotely fair, but he resented Harry for going and making new friends and stirring up 'going solo' rumors with all of his shenanigans, especially the ones involving girls. He knew in his heart it was his own fault for pushing him away, and he knew it wasn't fair to hold it against him that he'd gone out and gotten his own life with his own mates, that just happened to be very famous with tons of connections. Louis knew his real fear was that Harry would actually go solo and leave the band in the dust, and he wouldn't be any part of Louis' life anymore. And that fear manifested itself in bitterness whenever he was around Harry. He couldn't help it, really._

_So when the boys came together for Midnight Memories release and Where We Are tour planning meetings in the fall of 2013, Louis barely spoke to Harry at all, and when he did, he was not himself. He was cold - mean, even. A side to him Harry had never really seen before._

_Harry came into the meeting about 20 minutes late, while the other four boys were sitting with their team talking about the promotional plans for the new album. He was a bit hungover from being out all night in London with Grimmy and company, and he looked it._

_"Well the rockstar has arrived, glad you could fit us in your schedule - shall we get started then," Louis said, with not even a hint of humor in his voice. He meant it as a dig, and Harry took it that way, just looking at him like a kicked puppy. Liam took over at that point, seeing the obvious tension, and went on with ideas for the stadium tour._

_Then when they started discussing a few dates for promotional events, Harry had shut down three or four of them because of prior commitments. Louis rolled his eyes each time, but then when Harry said he had a fashion show to attend on one of the suggested dates, Louis just lost it._

_"Listen, I know you're too cool for school now with all of your fancy Hollywood friends, but we still have a job to do, yeah? So I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you'll just have to readjust your schedule a bit," Louis said, harshly enough that all of the boys turned to look at him, taken aback. Harry was not one to engage in arguments and did not do well at all with confrontation. Especially with Louis, the person that he probably wanted to fight with the least in the world._

_"I'll see what I can do," is all he said, and Louis just rolled his eyes again, looking back down at the papers in front of him. Again, Liam took the reigns and shifted the subject so the tension didn't turn into a full-blown fist fight._

_Ever since then, things had officially been weird with Louis and Harry, and the fans could sense it, but didn't make as big a deal out of it as expected. Management didn't dare address the subject, since the fans weren't making a big stink, and they didn't want to draw any more attention to it. So things just went on the way they were, Harry seeming to be drifting further away from the entire band according to the media, and everyone just let it be for the moment._

_When the WWA tour started, Louis knew they all had to get along and put on as best a show they could for their fans, so he acted as normally as he could with Harry. Normal meaning he'd respond politely if Harry talked to him, but didn't go out of his way to repair their friendship. He felt miles away from Harry all the time, and thought it was best if he kept it that way. Best for the band, the fans and most importantly, for Harry._

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So in this moment sat on Harry's bed, remembering the past, Louis couldn't help but feel guilty and 100% responsible for what had happened to their relationship. And he truly meant what he'd just said - he never wanted it to be this way, it just all happened too fast and he was too stubborn and prideful to try and repair it before it was lost entirely. Which he hoped it wasn't, not just yet.

"Harry, when I wanted things to change after all the Larry Stylinson bullshit became too much, I was truly doing that for my relationship. I knew it wasn't your fault and I felt terrible that it had to be that way, but it was the only solution I could come up with at the time to make Eleanor happy and not affect the band," Louis said, not taking his eyes off of Harry.

"I honestly thought in the beginning that we'd still be fine. We just couldn't joke around as much on camera or on stage, but I still thought we'd be best mates. And I know I didn't really consider your feelings through all of this, and for that I am very sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I just really want you to know that it was hard for me and it made me very sad. I just felt like I didn't have a choice," Louis continued, as Harry just looked at him with his concerned/deep-in-thought face. That was one of Louis' favorite Harry faces.

"And I'm also sorry that I've been such a complete and total arsehole since last year. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt like it had become the 'Harry Styles' show, and you were out doing all sorts of posh things with your new celebrity friends. I think deep down maybe I was jealous that you didn't take me with you, or that they were spending time with you that you should have been spending with me. I know that doesn't make any sense, and I sound like a selfish idiot. You have my complete permission to punch me in the face right now if you'd like," Louis said with a half-smile, even though he was totally serious.

"I don't want to punch you, Louis," Harry said softly, looking up from the loose thread in his blanket that he'd been playing with.

"You're too good for this world, Harold, I swear it," Louis said, so happy that life hadn't made Harry as cynical and bitter as it had made him. He was still a kind, gentle boy who wouldn't hurt a fly.

There were a few moments of silence, then Louis decided to continue, taking a deep breath in preparation for what he was about to say.

"I feel like I should also tell you, that I've figured out now that Larry Stylinson bothered me not just because of my relationship, but because the more serious the fans became, the more I realized there was some truth to it - on my end anyway," Louis said, totally in shock that he'd just admitted that, but knowing he couldn't stop now.

Harry's eyes got wide and he looked like he'd been kicked in the stomach. Did Louis really just say that? Can someone answer him, please? He has to be sure that was real.

"What do you mean?" Harry said, not sure what else to say, but wanting Louis to explain further.

"I mean - I thought Larry Stylinson was funny in the beginning because it was a joke. And then when people truly started to think we were, like, in love with each other or something, the more I thought about it meself, the more I could see where they were coming from. I thought I might have feelings for you before that, when we lived together, but I never even allowed my mind to go there. I knew it would ruin the band's future, and all of our dreams. I knew if I ever told you how I felt, we would either get matching rainbow flag tattoos, and One Direction would end; or you would hug me and politely say you didn't feel the same, things would be awkward, and One Direction would end," Louis said, more shocked at himself with every word that came out of his mouth.

"What about Eleanor?" Harry said, and immediately regretted it. Louis says he had feelings for you, and you ask about his girlfriend? What a dunce.

"I did love her, Harry. Our whole relationship wasn't a big scheme of mine to avoid my feelings for you. I wanted to live my life, and not be stuck constantly wondering 'what if' you and I had met under different circumstances, or 'what if' we could have found a way to make it work even with the band," Louis said, looking to gauge Harry's reaction but not really sure if he could read his face.

"What do you mean you _did_ love her?" Harry said, wanting to be totally sure he had all of this correct before he said any more.

"We broke up after the European leg of the tour, after me mum's wedding. I just didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to talk about it, really. And I didn't want the media to get wind and have to deal with the drama. I just wasn't ready for all of that," Louis said, feeling like he should explain a bit more. "And I did love her. We had always got on so well and she was sweet and funny - but we never saw each other. We never had time for a proper relationship. And I started to feel like I was just staying with her for the wrong reasons. Like, because I didn't want to hurt her and if I'm honest, partly because being with her made me feel more secure, like people would eventually realize you and I weren't together if I had a girlfriend," Louis said, and then suddenly looked down in shame. "And that makes me a terrible person who doesn't care about anyone but himself, once again."

"No you're not," Harry said as he reached over and grabbed Louis' hand and gave it a squeeze.

They looked at each other and smiled.

"I'm sorry I've just dumped all of this on you when you're already going through so much, I really didn't mean to get into all of this, I just can't seem to shut up at the moment," Louis said with a small laugh, trying to redeem himself a bit.

Then all of the sudden Harry started laughing, lightly at first, and then it turned into a full on fit of giggles. Louis just looked over at him completely confused and a bit offended that he'd just literally poured his heart out and Harry found it appropriate to laugh hysterically.

"Oi, bloody hell, I get it. You don't have to laugh so hard though, it hurts a bit, mate," Louis said pulling his hand from Harry's. Not in a rough or malicious way, just in a way to let him know he'd gotten his message. Or at least thought he had.

"No, no, no - I'm not laughing at you, Lou. I'm laughing at Gemma," Harry said with a big smile, and Louis was even more confused and lost. And a bit scared - had Harry gone delusional, now?

Harry saw the look on Louis' face and went on to explain himself.

"Do you remember a couple weeks after the Red or Black gig when I went home for a few days because I thought I'd ruined the band because I sang like shit?" Harry asked, smiling a bit at how upset he'd been after that performance. And glad he'd had three years since to redeem himself.

"Yeah, actually I do. I had a few people over that weekend and they ate all of your eggs," Louis said with a giggle.

"You lied!" Harry said laughing, "I asked you where all my eggs went and you said 'maybe they hatched and ran away,'" he finished, imitating Louis' voice on that last part, really laughing now.

"Anyway," he went on, his face serious again. Louis stopped laughing and looked at Harry, ready and anxious to hear what he was going to say.

"When I was home, Gemma and I were sitting out back talking, and she asked me about - us."

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_"OK little brother, now what is all of this Larry Sylinson nonsense I've been hearing about. They think you and Louis are dating, eh?" Gemma said with a smile, making Harry blush a bit._

_"No they just think we have a 'bromance' or whatever you call it," Harry said, trying not to sound embarrassed._

_"And that you do," Gemma said, and Harry just tossed a piece of the chicken he was eating at her, making her laugh._

_Then there was silence and Gemma just looked at Harry, like she was reading his mind almost._

_"Harry," she said and he looked over at her, "Is something really going on with you and Louis?" she said, genuinely curious, not poking fun in the slightest._

_Harry just laughed nervously, "No, of course not. We're just best mates," he said as if it was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard._

_"Oh," was all she said, not with much emotion behind it either way._

_"Why?" Harry said. Now he was intrigued and wanted to know what would make her ask that._

_"I just thought there might be. You know you can tell me anything, right? And I would never, ever judge you or treat you any differently?" she said, again very seriously._

_Harry had a split second to decide which direction this conversation was going to go in, and before he could really choose, his mouth did it for him._

_"It doesn't matter anyway," was what came out of his mouth, making Gemma's brows furrow in concern._

_"What do you mean? Of course it matters," she said._ _Then that was it, the floodgates were open and Harry fell like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders._

_"I don't know how to explain it, Gems. We're just always together and I get on with him so well. I mean, I think of him like most of my other best mates, but I don't know I, like, miss him when he's gone and sometimes we cuddle when we watch films at our flat at night. Sometimes when he touches me I get, like, butterflies in my stomach. I don't really know how to explain it. I've never really felt this way before," Harry said, happy he had someone to talk to but scared to actually verbalize what he'd been feeling for nearly a year now since he'd met Louis. "And I don't think I'm gay, like, you know I've had girlfriends and all that and..." Harry was cut off when Gemma sighed and looked at him fondly._

_"Harry, it doesn't have to be about whether you're gay or not. Sometimes you're just attracted to a person because of who they are. Whether it's a man or a woman doesn't always have to matter," Gemma said, making Harry feel loads better about the whole thing._

_"But, is that weird?" he went on, still a bit unsure of himself._

_"No, not at all. It's more important that you really care about the person and that they treat you well rather than the kind of reproductive organs they have," she said with a laugh, trying to help Harry understand his feelings._

_"Do you think he feels the same?" she asked, getting serious again._

_"That's the thing Gems, it doesn't matter how we feel. It would ruin One Direction. And we can't do that to the other boys, or ourselves. We deserve to at least see where the band can go instead of ending it before it even has a chance," Harry said, and Gemma felt a rush of pride at how mature and wise her baby brother sounded._

_"It couldn't hurt to talk to him, Haz. Maybe you guys can figure something out for now. I just don't want you to regret not having told him how you feel," she said and Harry smiled and nodded, letting her know he'd take that into consideration._

_He spent the whole drive back to London thinking about what he would say to Louis. He practiced responding to almost anything Louis would say. He even practiced dodging a punch in the mouth, if it turned out to be worst case scenario._

_When he got home, he took a deep breath as he headed toward the flat, deciding he was going to say something, whenever the right moment allowed. He just hoped he wasn't making the wrong decision._

_\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Louis just looked at Harry in suspense as he was telling the story, knowing he was there for the next part, but still curious to see what happened.

"So when I walked into our flat, there you were, sat on the couch with Eleanor. I think I interrupted something, if I'm honest, but I never asked," Harry said, and his eyes looked sad which made Louis pout without even realizing it.

"So I took that as, I dunno, a sign from the universe or something that I wasn't supposed to talk to you about it, at least not right then," Harry went on, not wanting Louis to feel bad, but he could tell he did.

"Then, as you know, the opportunity never came again because you've been with Eleanor ever since. Or at least you were," Harry finished looking at Louis, still trying to comprehend that he actually told Louis that story and that they were actually having this conversation.

"That's why I thought it was funny," Harry continued, "Because I think she's looking down, laughing at us."

Louis just let out a light laugh, and they both just sat there for a few minutes, still processing the conversation, not sure what to say next.

Then Harry's lip started to quiver, and Louis' heart fluttered, feeling totally guilty and like a complete ass for shoving all of this down this poor kid's throat at all once.

"The last time I saw her, she'd asked me about you - how you were doing," Harry said, voice fairly steady but a tear escaped from his eye, "And I had to tell her that I wasn't really sure, but I thought you were alright," Harry said, and Louis scooted closer to him, rubbing his shoulder.

"And she told me that no matter what had happened, she knew we'd work it out - that she just had a feeling about it," he continued, a few more tears coming, until he just started sobbing quietly, his emotions were going haywire between Gemma and what was now going on with Louis. He felt like he didn't know which way was up anymore.

Louis just reached out to cup Harry's face, thumbing away his tears.

Harry wrapped his fingers around Louis' forearms and just leaned into his touch, closing his eyes.

Before he really knew what he was doing, Louis pulled Harry's face to his and kissed him. Just a soft, gentle press of lips, not super passionate or forceful, and Louis closed his eyes as well, feeling a tear trail down his own cheek. Louis licked Harry's bottom lip, and Harry opened his mouth letting Louis' tongue slide inside. They kissed slowly for a few moments before Louis pulled back and let their foreheads rest against each other, still holding Harry's face in his hands.

"I'm sorry," Louis said, just above a whisper. He should have known now wasn't an appropriate time for all this.

"Don't be," Harry said, pulling back so his eyes could meet Louis'. "I'm not," he continued, looking deeply into Louis' eyes.

"This is just a lot to take in for one night," Louis said, rubbing Harry's face again with his thumb. "Let's get some rest. We'll talk more later, yeah?"

Harry just nodded and Louis got off the bed, heading toward the door.

"Lou, will you.." Harry started and Louis interrupted him before he could finish.

"I'm not going anywhere, love," he said as he flicked the light switch by the door.

Louis crawled back into bed and they both got under the covers. Harry cuddled next to Louis, resting his head on his chest, and Louis just wrapped his arm around Harry and started combing his fingers through his hair.

Louis lightly kissed Harry's forehead, and Harry just gave him a squeeze, drifting off to the steady sound of Louis' heartbeat.


	7. The space between, the wicked lies we tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long, it's been a crazy couple of weeks! Hope you enjoy!

Louis woke up the next morning in an empty bed, with the sun shining directly in his face through the blinds in Harry's room.

He pushed his hair out of his face and suddenly the conversation he and Harry had last night came flooding back to him and he felt instantly nauseous. Harry probably thought about it and realized Louis is a selfish dick and couldn't stand to be within 10 feet of him let alone in the same bed. Louis mentally kicked himself for being so insensitive and putting Harry in this position with all he was going through right now.

He decided it was time for him to face the music, so he got out of bed, and headed to the guest room to grab clothes and have a shower.

When he was done he went downstairs and was surprised by the silence. After it had been sort of a mad house for the past couple of days with people in and out, it was eerily quiet at the moment.                                                                                                                                                                                                             

He peeked in the living room to see it empty, and headed to the kitchen to see if anyone was there.

Nope.

Suddenly Louis panicked. Was there something going on today that he'd forgotten? He could have sworn the funeral was tomorrow. Had he missed it? He suddenly felt ill again and took a seat at the island in the kitchen. He pulled his phone from his pocket to check the date. It was Wednesday, so he hadn't missed the funeral. That was definitely tomorrow. Then he heard voices outside, and headed toward the sliding doors that lead to the back garden.

Anne, Robin and Aunt Margaret were standing outside with boxes scattered around and what looked like all of the pieces of a large party tent lying in the grass.

At the sound of the doors, the three of them turned to look at Louis, and Anne smiled.

"Louis, how did you sleep, dear?" she asked walking over to him.

"Just fine thank you, Anne," he said, walking a bit to meet her. "What's all this?" he went on, not wanting his presence to be awkward with Harry nowhere in sight.

"Well we're going to have quite a house full tomorrow after the service, so we're trying to get a move on. We have people on the way to help Robin set up the tables and tent and Maggie and I are going to get everything prepared to put out. We're trying to decide where's best to put the tent at the moment," she said with a small laugh, looking at Louis fondly.

Louis just smiled at her and they both looked over to where Robin was cursing on the phone, throwing his spare arm up in exasperation with every other word.

Anne and Louis looked back at each other and laughed lightly, and as if Anne had read his mind, she went on, "Harry headed out early this morning. He said he wanted to let you rest - that's why he didn't wake you."

Louis just smiled and nodded.

Bless Harry's heart, he thought. After he had just been a complete insensitive idiot and probably completely emotionally overwhelmed Harry while he was already a wreck, the lad is still more concerned about Louis getting rest than himself. Although it's also likely that he just wants to be as far away from Louis as possible to resist punching him in the throat for unloading all of this on him right now. Louis couldn't stand to think about how confused and emotional Harry must be, wandering around by himself.

He had to find a distraction.

"Well, put me to work; what do you need?" Louis said to Anne, and he could tell she was about to tell him she didn't want him to lift a finger when Aunt Margaret started walking over, drawing their attention.

"Anne the event planners are here," she said as she approached them, greeting Louis with a hug. "The delivery men with the tables are lost. Robin is giving them directions now."

Harry had insisted on hiring people to put everything together and organize the reception to keep his mother's stress level to a minimum.

"Let me go calm him down. Louis, dear, don't worry about doing anything, please. Just go inside and get something to eat, alright?" Anne said, rubbing Louis' arm.

"You go deal with your husband, sister dear - Louis and I will go find a way to make ourselves useful," she said linking her arm with Louis', leading him back into the house.

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After nearly five hours, Louis and Aunt Margaret where sat in the midst of a sea of purple. Anne had decided to go with a purple and black theme as an ode to Gemma's favorite colors. They had put together flower arrangements, placed the collages and other photos in an assortment of frames and Louis had even threaded and tied ribbons through small cards with a photo of Gemma and a lovely poem on them that Anne had chosen to give to everyone tomorrow as a token to remember Gemma by.

Aunt Margaret had spent most of the time asking Louis about his most crazy and scandalous stories from the road, and he humored her for the most part. He told some oldies but goodies about girls hiding in bins, and exaggerated a few minor incidents to make them seem more exciting. He'd hate to disappoint her and be honest that most of his extra time on tour was spent smoking with Zayn or playing footie outside the venues.

While he was happy Aunt Margaret had kept him occupied, he couldn't help but wonder where Harry could be. Was he out meeting with old friends? Or maybe he was at the bakery saying 'hello' to his lovely old co-workers? Knowing Harry he could just be wandering through a field somewhere collecting daisies. Louis wanted to think he was doing those things instead of the image in his mind of Harry out crying in his car by a river somewhere that kept playing in his mind.

"Let's start carrying some of this out, whaddya say, love?" Aunt Margaret said, and Louis nodded before gather up whatever he could fit in his arms to carry outside.

Anne and Robin had been in and out grabbing some things to put out on the tables that were already set up. The tent had been put up a couple of hours ago, and Anne was obsessing about everything inside it being perfect, and purple - very, very purple.

Louis put out all of the photos of Gemma and family on a long table that was set up under the tent. He put a lovely photo of her and Harry taken last summer and set that right in the middle, smiling to himself.

After most everything was set up, the four of them headed back inside to clean up. Louis took some extra ribbon and scraps of paper and threw them out. Then he found a photo of Harry and Gemma on the floor that must have slipped from one of his piles. Harry must have been about 12 and he was pulling a funny face while Gemma was smiling and looking quite lovely.

Suddenly he heard the front door open and shut, knowing it was Harry made his heart flutter and then he immediately felt nauseous again, not sure what kind of state Harry would be in.

He cautiously walked over to the kitchen where Harry had walked to greet his mum and aunt. He looked at Harry, holding two hangers in his hand with garment bags slung over his shoulder.

Louis shuffled in a little further to make his presence known and Harry looked at him and gave him his famous close-lipped side smile. Louis took that as a good sign and smiled back.

"Hey, come upstairs with me, yeah?" Harry said, and Louis obeyed without a second thought. They both headed upstairs and Harry lead them into his room. He laid the garment bags on his bed and started to unzip the top one.

He pulled out a beautiful black Armani suit. He held it up to himself and looked over at Louis.

"I got this for the, um, funeral. Do you think it's too much?" Harry said, almost shyly, as if he was really concerned about what Louis would think. And let's face it, Louis normally would have rolled his eyes and said it was quite pretentious and flashy and he was obnoxious for wearing it. Even though the five of them wear insanely expensive suits on a regular basis.

"No, I think it's perfect," was what Louis ended up saying, meaning every word.

Harry set it aside and started to unzip the other bag and pull out another suit.

"I had to call Caroline to be sure of your size," Harry said, holding up an equally stunning suit and handing it to Louis.

"Harry," Louis started, completely overwhelmed by Harry's gesture. He felt his eyes sting. Was he really about to cry? Bloody hell, he'd gone soft for all this.

"I woke up this morning and realized neither of us have anything to wear tomorrow, so I went to London and picked these up," Harry said.

Louis just looked at Harry, the tears making his eyes glisten in the light.

"Harry, you shouldn't have..." Louis started before Harry cut him off.

"Please don't fight me on this, Lou. Just take it. I know you'll wear it well," Harry said with a smile.

Louis couldn't help it, one lonely tear escaped his eye and slid down his cheek.

Harry walked over to him and enveloped him in a hug, burying his face in Louis' shoulder. Louis hugged back tightly, still holding the suit in his hand by the hanger.

"Think of it as a 'thank you' for all you've done, OK?" Harry said in a low voice against Louis' shoulder.

"Stop doing that," Louis said as they pulled apart. "You don't have to thank me for anything, Haz. Especially not with a $3,000 suit," Louis said in his typical fashion of avoiding emotion with dry humor.

"The shoes and ties are still in the car," Harry said laughing lightly when Louis' mouth just dropped open.

"Harry, I can't take..." he tried again, and again Harry cut him off.

"Hey, what did I say?" Harry scolded, trying to look sternly at Louis but ending up looking mildly, yet fondly, irritated.

"I'm sorry. Thank you, Harry, really," Louis said, carefully setting the suit down on Harry's bed.

They both just stared at each other for a few moments, inching closer, as Louis reached up to thread his fingers through the hair sticking out under Harry's fedora.

Then suddenly they heard someone clicking down the hallway and Louis let his hand fall down by his side. Aunt Margaret popped her head in the room, looking completely oblivious to the moment she'd just interrupted.

"Boys will you please come downstairs and eat something before my sister drives me completely mad. She literally think you two are starving to death," she said rolling her eyes.

"Well, come on then," she said when Louis and Harry failed to move a muscle. They both politely obliged and followed her down the stairs and into the dining room. 

On the table there were sandwiches, grilled chicken, vegetables, fruit, sausages and homemade mash. An odd spread, but Anne must have needed a distraction, and she always took to the kitchen when she was stressed.

The five of them sat down around the table all pulling different things onto their plates. Harry grabbed a few vegetables and a piece of chicken while Louis opted for a couple of scoops of potatoes and a sausage. They knew they weren't going to eat it, but they wanted it to look like they'd at least tried.

There was light conversation for the next hour, about the plans for tomorrow. No one had cried for most of the day, and Louis was glad for that. He hated seeing people overwhelmed with emotions. He figured tomorrow would be traumatic enough for everyone and hoped they were just trying to hold out until then. He certainly was.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the boys helped clear the table, Anne had asked Harry to go upstairs and help her decide what to wear tomorrow. Aunt Margaret had gone home to get some rest, knowing it would be a terribly long day tomorrow. So Louis was left to his own devices for the first time all day, and honestly didn't know what to do with himself.

He finally took himself to his normal spot on the porch swing, and pulled out his phone. He scrolled through his texts, re-reading a few of them. He'd texted his mum and Stan and briefly told them a bit about what had happened and what was going on. Jay had offered to come immediately but Louis'd convinced her to just come to the funeral if she wanted. No reason to overwhelm Anne with any more guests to force feed.

Then he thumbed through his contacts and got to the bottom staring at Zayn's number. He hit it with out much thought and the phone began to ring.

"Louis, what's going on, mate?" Zayn said, picking up after barely two rings.

"Oh it's been great, just like holiday. Sandy beaches, sunshine - totally relaxing and wonderful, thanks," Louis said obviously sarcastic but not in a rude way.

"I'm sorry, Lou, stupid question," Zayn said, feeling like an idiot.

"No, I'm sorry. It's been emotional - very, very emotional," Louis said, thinking that was the best and safest way to explain what had gone on the past few days.

"I can only imagine, mate. How's Harry holding up?" Zayn asked, concern clear in his voice.

"The best he can under the circumstances, I reckon," Louis said, not wanting to worry Zayn more than he should.

"There's just a lot going on and the funeral's tomorrow," Louis continued. "It's going to be awful, Zayn, I'm absolutely dreading it," Louis said, not telling Zayn that he isn't dreading it for himself, he's dreading it because he doesn't want to see Harry upset again for the umpteenth time since they'd gotten the news.

There was a moment of silence. Zayn wasn't really sure what to say. He knew he couldn't make Louis feel any better or more prepared for what he was going to face the next day.

"Any word on the tour?" Louis asked, wanting to shift the subject for his own sanity.

"Actually, Niall just called a bit ago and said he'd talked to management this morning. He told them he thinks it's best if we cancel the rest of the tour, and let them know that we all kind of share that sentiment," Zayn said.

"Good lad," Louis said, laughing lightly.

"Yeah, they weren't too happy about that, but they said they'd get back to us after they've met with the big bosses about it or some shit," Zayn said, sounding quite indifferent either way. As usual.

"Well make sure you keep me updated, I'll try to give you a call tomorrow when I get a chance but it's going to be pretty hectic," Louis said, not really caring much about what management was going to say. He knew Harry wouldn't be back on the tour and the rest of the boys would stand behind him.

"I will, Lou," Zayn said reassuringly.

"Alright, well then I'll talk to you..." Louis started before Zayn interrupted.

"Hey Lou," he said. "I just want you to know that I'm really glad you went home with him. And I hope you guys work everything out after all this. I really do."

Louis could only imagine the distorted look of surprise and confusion on his face at what Zayn had just said. He hated to admit it, but he and Zayn had done their fair share of talking shit about Harry and how much they'd thought he'd changed. Trying to be a hipster and all that. Louis had been too self-involved to realize that Zayn knew Louis resented Harry for other reasons as well. He'd just never mentioned it since it wasn't really his business. He knew Louis would talk to him about it if he ever wanted to. Zayn was much more observant than he was given credit for, and that made Louis smile.

"Thanks, Zayno. I hope so too," he said, not wanting to bring up anything that had happened - especially the kiss. Louis figured he'd better sort out how he felt about that before he started getting other people's opinions on it.

They said their goodbyes and hung up and Louis started thinking more about the kiss from last night. He knew he didn't regret it, but he couldn't help wishing it had happened under different circumstances. He hadn't really let himself think about the conversation all day, because it gave him immense amounts of anxiety. He still felt like an ass for taking it there while they were in this situation. But as he was alone, swinging slowly back and forth, he let his mind ponder the talk and what it could mean for them.

It seemed like kind of a blur, but from what he remembered, essentially he and Harry both kind of thought they had feelings for each other a long time ago but both kept it to themselves to avoid hurting the band. Great minds think alike, eh?

He knew neither of them had come out and said they still feel the same way, but he'd hoped the kiss kind of relayed that message to Harry - on his side anyway. And Harry certainly kissed him back, but that didn't have to mean what Louis wanted it to mean.

He'd been with Eleanor for three years and tried that whole time to bury his feelings for Harry in the deepest, darkest part of his soul. But he knew he'd failed miserably. He still got butterflies in his stomach when Harry wore his hair down and told bad jokes; and though it didn't happen as often anymore, he still got completely weak at the knees when Harry would smile at him. And he'd always felt a false sense of triumph making Harry laugh right out loud or smile and look away at something funny he'd say in an interview. It made him feel like he still had a connection with him. Like Harry still liked what he used to like about him when they'd first met.

Louis had always known deep down his relationship was different with Harry than it was with the other boys. With anyone else in his life, really. And he'd always kind of played with the idea that Harry felt the same, and the fans kind of sealed that for him with Larry Stylinson. But ultimately that ended up scaring him too much, and he'd run away like a coward instead of talking to Harry and letting them figure it out together. He knew Harry was special from the moment he met him. Buckets of charm with that face and the voice of an angel - the kid was born to be a pop star. Louis wasn't sure what he was feeling when Harry had gotten all the attention when One Direction blew up. He knows now that it was jealousy. His Harry had become the world's Harry. Everyone loved him, which surprised no one, but Louis resented it anyhow. He knew it was completely unfair, but he couldn't help it. He spent too much time trying to convince himself that he didn't care instead of opening his eyes to why he cared so much in the first place.

He scrubbed his hand across his face and let his head fall back against the swing. His mind was racing and he was getting more lost and confused the more he tried to analyze everything. He was saved from his own thoughts when he heard the sliding glass doors open, seeing Harry walk out with two steaming mugs of tea.

He walked over and handed one to Louis, put one on the table next to the swing and went back inside. He quickly came back with a throw blanket and sat down covering Louis' lap and then dragged some of it over his own.

He picked he's tea up off the table and took a sip, looking up at the stars.

"A little chilly out, innit?" Harry said. Louis just looked over at him, his heart aching with the domesticity of Harry bringing him tea and them sharing a blanket. It reminded him very much of when they lived together, and he smiled at the memory.

"Yeah a bit," Louis said, taking a sip of his tea.

"Did your mum find something to wear?" Louis went on, wanting to keep the conversation casual.

"Yeah she had an outfit picked out, tried five more on, and then went with the original one anyway," Harry said, and they both laughed.

They just sat there for a few moments looking at the starry night, taking a few more sips of tea.

Then all of the sudden Louis' mouth completely betrayed his brain and before he could stop himself he was already speaking.

"I'm sorry, Harry," he said, setting his tea down on the table. After kicking himself all day for last night's conversation, he still went ahead and brought it up again. What. An. Idiot.

"Sorry for what?" Harry said looking over to Louis. Their eyes met, and Louis looked down again in shame.

"For bringing all of that up last night. It was totally inappropriate - you're already going through so much. I shouldn't have said anything, and I'm sorry, truly," Louis said, knowing he was rambling.

"I just felt like I owed you an explanation for why I've been such a shit," he added for good measure.

"Don't be sorry, Lou," Harry started. "I'm glad we finally talked. I think I always kind of knew it needed to be addressed, but I was afraid. I wasn't sure how you felt and like I said, I didn't want to ruin anything for any of us."

Harry looked over at Louis and carefully continued, not sure where to start.

"I was young and I didn't want to ruin the band over what could have just been a crush. But the more time went on and I realized what I felt was so much deeper, the bigger we got and everything started to go so fast. Then I got to the point where I felt like it was too late," Harry said, and the sad tone in his voice made Louis' heart sink.

A few moments of silence passed, and Louis took a deep breath before he spoke.

"I didn't like seeing or hearing about you with other people. But I knew that wasn't fair because I had Eleanor. So instead I just acted like an ass to you to try to prove to myself that I didn't care. Stupid, I know," Louis admitted, wanting Harry to fully understand where his head's been at for the past couple of years.

"I've been with people, Louis. Some I'd like to forget, but either way, I can't say I've ever had the feeling around anyone else that I get around you. I can't really describe it. It's like I couldn't put my finger on how I felt. I loved you as my best mate and didn't want to ever lose that, so after a while I thought it best not to say anything. And I ended up losing you anyway," Harry said, with the sad tone in his voice becoming even sadder, if that was possible.

Louis reached his hand over and linked his fingers with Harry's as they looked over to meet each other's eyes.

"I loved Eleanor, Harry, I can't lie about that. But in the back of my mind I could never really let go of how I felt about you. And that's the honest truth," Louis said, squeezing Harry's hand lightly.

Harry just looked back down in his lap.

"After all of this, I've realized that life really is too short to not tell people how you feel. And to care so much about what other people think. You know me, I'd rather be happy than be rich and famous. But I know you love this - you were made for this life. And I would never want to take that away from you or ask you to give it up. I never wanted to put you in that position - that's also partly why I never said anything before now," Louis went on, lightly pulling on Harry's hand in his, urging him to look up at him again.

"And I would never ever say that I was happy that this happened, love. But I think it took Gemma's death for me to come to terms with everything, and find the courage to tell you how I feel. How I've felt since the beginning. But I don't expect you to still feel that way Harry, or want to do anything about it now. I just couldn't imagine anything happening to either of us and never telling you the truth."

Harry finally looked up and over at Louis with noticeably wet cheeks.

"I'm sorry, please don't cry, babe," Louis said, raising his free hand to wipe Harry's cheek.

Then Harry took his hand out of Louis' and lifted it to thread through Louis' hair as he looked at him intently.

Then before Louis knew what was happening, Harry pulled him closer into a kiss - a bit more passionate than the first time, but still gentle and earnest. Harry pushed his tongue through Louis' lips and he allowed him to gladly. The both moved their arms to pull each other closer. Louis' hand ended up on Harry's bicep and he couldn't help but realize how much bigger it felt than the last time he'd really touched it. Harry had always been fit, let's be honest, but he was only getting better with age. And he spent enough time in the gym for Louis to notice how much better.

They continued kissing for a few moments until Harry finally pulled away.

"I still feel the same way I've always felt," Harry said, curling his index finger to wipe away a tear on Louis' cheek that Louis didn't even know was there.

"So what do we do now?" Harry went on, falling back into his 16-year-old mindset of always looking to Louis to lead him.

"It's going to be a rough day tomorrow - let's just get some rest for now. We'll figure it all out, I promise," Louis said pulling Harry close so he could lightly kiss his nose, then his forehead.

Louis got up from the swing and pulled Harry up as well. He lead him by the hand back into the house, both of them forgetting about the two empty mugs and blanket they were leaving outside.

Once upstairs, Louis climbed into Harry's bed first, just to reassure him that he wasn't going anywhere. Harry slid in pressing his back to Louis' chest, covering them both with the comforter.

Louis slung his arm over Harry's waist, and had to admit he was quite comfortable. He would go so far as to say he could probably get used to this. He couldn't believe how easily this came to both of them. No explosion, no resentment for not saying anything sooner - none of that. It was like they both always knew what they felt was reciprocated, but they also knew they couldn't do anything about it. So this wasn't a big surprising revelation for either of them. It was just shocking to say out loud. He was shocked again when he heard Harry's voice, quiet and low.

"I don't know if I'm ready for tomorrow, Lou," Harry said, knowing he was in no mental state for the next day's events.

"Nobody's ready for something like this, love," Louis said, squeezing Harry's waist softly.

"But I'll be right there with you, no matter what, OK?" he went on, pressing a kiss to Harry's shoulder.

Harry grabbed Louis' hand that was across his side and pulled it up to his chest, leaning in to kiss his fingers lightly.

Harry knew neither of them were ready for what tomorrow would bring, but he was massively relieved that he and Louis would be facing it together.


	8. And hope to keep safe from the pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooo sorry this took so long. I started it weeks ago and then couldn't get in the right mindset to write such a sad chapter. I hope it turned out OK. And as always, thank you so much for reading! xx.

Harry stood in front of the mirror in his bedroom, trying to tie his tie. Normally he'd have Lou or Caroline there to help him, because for some reason women tie ties better than men, but he thought he'd give it a go himself today. He looked in the mirror to see the back side of the tie way longer than the front and began to roughly pull it out again. He was getting frustrated and he hated that feeling. He tried one more time; again unsuccessful. He yanked the tie off and threw it on his bed with as much force as he could muster with such a lightweight object.

"Hey, easy there," Louis said from where he was stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame with his hands in his pockets, fully dressed in his new suit and tie, shiny shoes and all.

Harry turned around to look at him, and Louis smirked seeing in full view how stunningly beautiful Harry looked in his suit, even without the tie. It was nice to see Harry without a headscarf or some sort of hat on. Louis always thought his hair looked lovely down - tamed but still curly. The curls were admittedly one of his favorite features on Harry; amongst many, many others.

Harry smiled back, seeing how amazing Louis also looked all done up like that. Louis hated wearing suits and even on special occasions, would try to avoid them at all costs. He hated feeling constricted and uncomfortable. And he really hated not have full-range use of his arms. It made him feel like a robot.

"Lou, you look incredible," Harry said, not able to take his eyes off of Louis.

"Not so bad yourself," Louis said, looking at Harry from top to bottom. Not in a creepy kind of way - more of an in-complete-and-utter-awe-of-beauty kind of way.

"Yeah, but I can't tie that damn tie," Harry said, somehow calm and exasperated at the same time, making Louis laugh lightly.

Louis felt bad laughing when Harry was so obviously annoyed with himself, but he thought frustrated!Harry was very cute.

"Let me help you, love," Louis said, walking over to the bed to grab the tie. He pulled it around Harry's neck, and a couple of swoops and tucks later, voila, a perfectly tied tie. Harry turned away from Louis to face the mirror behind him, pulled the sides of his jacked together and stood up straight.

"How did you learn to do that?" Harry said, making eye contact with Louis through the mirror.

Louis wasn't considered the most fashionable person on the planet, he knew that, but he did have some skills. He just laughed and walked up behind Harry until they were almost touching. He brushed Harry's shoulders from behind and let his hands slide down to squeeze his biceps; which were starting to creep up Louis' list of Harry's favorite features, just behind the curls.

Harry turned around to face Louis and ran his hand through his hair.

"Looks OK?" he said, biting his bottom lip.

"Don't let this get to your head, Haz," Louis said, straightening out Harry's lapel, hands landing flat on Harry's chest, "but I've never seen you look better."

Harry smiled his genuine 'Harry Smile' with the dimples and looked down, hoping Louis wouldn't see his flushed cheeks. 

He did.

Louis knew Harry didn't really give a shit about what he looked like, he was just so nervous about today he needed something to focus on. And Louis wasn't really sure if it was appropriate to be laughing and joking around as he and Harry were both preparing for a funeral, but he wanted to see Harry smile a bit before he had to endure what would be the worst day of his adult life thus far. And if that was selfish than so be it. They'd already established his pattern so far anyhow, now hadn't they?

Harry looked up and took a deep breath, staring into Louis' eyes as if he was searching for something hidden inside those blue orbs. Comfort? Guidance? Love? Who knows. Louis just hoped he found what he was looking for in there because he would give Harry whatever he needed.

"I'm scared, Lou," Harry said, voice unsteady, making him sound like a terrified child. Louis' heart ached thinking of what everyone was going to have to experience today, but especially for Harry. His heart was too pure and kind to be full of so much sadness and pain.

Louis reached his hands up to cup Harry's face, and he could see his lip start to quiver and his eyes start to fill with tears. Louis just pulled Harry's face to his and gave him a soft, gentle kiss.

"Hey," Louis said, followed by another quick peck, pulling away to look into Harry's eyes, willing him not to cry just yet. Louis was well aware that this was the first time the two of them had kissed while one or both of them wasn't sobbing. It was lovely and sweet and he wanted to remember it that way.

"Not yet, love," he said, wiping away a lone tear that had escaped down Harry's cheek. "We're gonna be doing that all day," Louis went on, obviously referring to crying - so Harry looked up and took another deep breath trying to stop himself. Louis let his hands slide down Harry's arms, and entwined their fingers as their foreheads fell against each other.

"I know you're scared, babe," Louis said, the term of endearment coming out of his mouth easily and naturally, making his heart skip a beat, "but I'll be right beside you no matter what, yeah? And you can cry, scream - use me as a punching bag," Louis said making Harry sniffle and laugh lightly as their eyes met again, "whatever you need to do, OK?"

Harry just squeezed Louis' hands in his, not sure he could talk without getting emotional again.

Louis squeezed back with one hand and pulled their other set of interlocked fingers up to his lips, softly kissing Harry's knuckles.

"Come on, I'll make us some tea, yeah?" Louis said, wanting to keep Harry distracted a bit until they had to leave for the funeral parlor. He had an overwhelming sense of protectiveness over Harry right now. More than maybe he'd ever had. He knew he couldn't fix this or make it any better - he felt so useless. The only thing he knew he could do is be there for Harry in whatever capacity he needed him. And that's exactly what he planned on doing.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They hadn't had any kind of specific discussion about where their relationship was after their recent talks; they were both kind of taking it a moment at a time. And so far they'd both fallen completely naturally into being loving and affectionate toward each other. In reality, it was pretty similar to how they used to act, but now they've added kissing.

Louis couldn't believe that after four years, they both finally had the balls to admit to each other how they felt. He thought maybe Harry had feelings for him a while back, but he'd figured even if that were true, it wouldn't matter now. While Louis knew Harry well enough to know that he wasn't the womanizer the media portrayed him to be, he wasn't naïve enough to think Harry was completely celibate just because he wasn't steadily dating anyone. 

Louis actually never understood how Harry hadn't found someone to date regularly since the Taylor Swift fiasco. Sure he'd probably found people that were interested in him, and maybe he was interested back, but somehow a proper relationship never came out of it. Louis thinks that might be some twisted form of fate, although he hated to think that Harry just wouldn't open up to anyone or let anyone in because Louis was always in the back of his mind. It made him terribly sad to think while Harry was probably having plenty of sex, he'd never really had the emotional connection and support that comes with a relationship.

Neither of them had had much time to think about where they were meant to go from here. They'd both let the basic questions cross their minds. Would they tell the boys? Or keep it to themselves for a bit to see if it worked out? Would they tell management? Would they tell the world? It was all overwhelming and proper scared the shit out of both of them. But they both had too much to worry about right now; especially Harry. The uncertainty of his future with Louis worried him a bit, but he was so grateful for how lovely Louis was being to him right now he just let that consume his thoughts. They could figure everything else out later. Right now, they needed each other to get through this.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When they arrived at the funeral parlor, Harry's legs felt like Jello-O. He couldn't quite catch his breath and he felt like his vision was fuzzy. He had had a few 'out of body' type experiences before, but they'd always been positive. Hearing "What Makes You Beautiful" on the radio for the first time; playing their first show in Australia; winning the first Brit - they all didn't seem real while they were happening. He was having the exact same feeling, but it was a horrible, terrifying feeling that made him nauseous.

As they walked inside, Louis could see Harry was looking a bit peaked, so he made sure to stay close to him, just so he'd know he wasn't alone.

There weren't going to be many people, probably 50 tops, including family and close friends. They'd decided to have a closed casket, since Anne didn't think she could stay composed having it left open the entire time. Everyone respected her decision and Louis was secretly relieved. He knew Harry wouldn't be able to keep it together seeing his sister's body in a basket for hours. Louis figured the family would see her inside of it in the beginning for a few moments, but no one really wanted to endure seeing Gemma like that for longer than they had to.

Anne, Robin, Aunt Maggie, Harry and Louis stood in the lobby for a few minutes, all quiet and somber; waiting for Des to arrive. He finally walked in looking a bit disheveled as if he'd been in a rush. He had his girlfriend Jane with him, a woman Harry had only met about twice. Louis had heard a few things about her but never seen her before. She was probably in her 30s, blonde and pretty in a superficial type of way; certainly not as beautiful as Anne. No one was in the mood to ask why they were late, so everyone remained silent.

Suddenly George the funeral director bustled out into the lobby, mumbling some condolences and explaining how the viewing room was set up.

"The casket is open for you all to go in whenever you'd like. We'll keep the guests out here until you're finished and then we'll close it. Once everyone is seated the minister will speak, and the room is yours for two hours," George said, his voice monotone with some slightly sympathetic notes.

Louis could feel Harry tense next to him, completely petrified. Louis put his hand on the small of his back and felt Harry relax into it little a bit. A very little bit.

"Whenever you're ready, you can go in," George said before nodding his head and walking into the viewing room.

Louis felt dreadfully awkward and uncomfortable, not wanting to leave Harry's side, but knowing it wasn't really appropriate for him to join the family members in this personal, solemn moment.

He was standing in between Anne and Harry, with his hand still on Harry's back.

Tears were streaming down Anne's face already and she just turned to look at Robin, nodding to let him know she was ready. Then they all started shuffling toward the door to the room, and Louis felt Anne grab his hand, pulling him along with them. Louis panicked in his mind, not having prepared himself to see Gemma like this. But he knew Anne wanted him to come for Harry since she had Robin and Des had Jane. They both made eye contact and Louis could see in Anne's eyes that she was apologetic for making him endure this, but grateful for him being there to take care of Harry. He just nodded and she let go of his hand.

Louis kept his arm around Harry as they walked into the room. He could feel him shaking terribly. Anne, Robin, Des and Jane were all in front of them so before they could even see the casket properly they heard everyone gasp and break down crying immediately.

"Oh God, my baby," Anne said between sobs, holding on tightly to Robin.

Des was crying quietly into Jane's shoulder, and Harry and Louis still couldn't get a full view of what the others were seeing.

As they walked forward and had a proper look, Louis could feel Harry's body start to rack with sobs. He started crying slowly at first, then harder, and his breath became more labored. Louis just pulled him close to his side. He could tell it was his support that was keeping Harry on his feet. And then he looked up at what was in front of them.

There it was, a quite beautiful box of wood, with Gemma's lifeless body laid inside. Her arms were crossed over her chest and she was wearing a lovely blue dress that Louis actually remembered seeing her in before. Her blonde hair framed her face and flowed over her chest. Her eyes were closed, and Louis felt a chill creep through his entire body as it really sunk in that she was never going to open them again.

Suddenly he felt Harry turn beside him as he pulled him in a tight hug, burying his face in Louis' shoulder. Louis just squeezed him tight, rubbing his back.

"I'm so sorry, love," Louis whispered so only Harry could hear. He knew that was such a useless thing to say when people were grieving but what else was there to say, really?

Harry just kept crying and Louis could feel his eyes start to sting until tears were falling down his cheeks as well. Between seeing Gemma and then watching all of these people he cared about so upset, especially Harry, he just couldn't stop himself. He didn't want to cry. He wanted to be strong for Harry. But the emotion in the room was too overwhelming; it consumed them all.

Anne walked over to them and hugged Harry from behind while he was still in Louis' arms.

Harry turned around and he and Anne hugged tightly as he started to cry harder. Louis wasn't offended, he knew sometimes you just need your mum. No one else can quite comfort like a mother can.

Louis just kept rubbing Harry's back, wiping the tears from his own eyes.

Suddenly Louis felt Harry's breathing intensify under his hand, and he and Anne quickly pulled apart.

"Harry, love - oh god, he can't breath," Anne said, searching in her handbag. She pulled out Harry's inhaler and helped him take a couple of puffs. Louis could feel his heart beating out of his chest. He couldn't believe he didn't think to make sure Harry had it with him. This is exactly the type of situation he would need it in. Thank God for Anne, honestly.

Louis could hear Harry was still having a hard time catching his breath and Anne's eyes were filled with concern and worry.

"Hey, let's go outside and get some fresh air, yeah?" he said to Harry but more to Anne, nodding at her, signaling that he would take care of him. Anne just nodded back, letting Louis take the reigns on this one.

Louis guided Harry out a side exit in the room that lead toward the back of the parlor to avoid seeing any of the guests that would be waiting in the lobby.

There were a few benches in the back garden so Louis quickly walked over to the closest one and sat down, pulling Harry down next to him.

Harry was still short of breath and still crying which wasn't making anything easier for him. Louis pulled his face up so he could look at him and help talk him through this.

"Haz, baby, look at me," Louis said, seeing that Harry was struggling with focusing on anything with his tears blinding him.

"Hey," Louis continued, with a hand on either side of Harry's face, trying to hold his head still; which was quite difficult while he was still sobbing. Harry slowly started to focus in on Louis and his sobs softened a bit.

"You need to breath for me, love," Louis said, thumbing away Harry's tears. "In through your nose," he said and Harry obeyed as best he could, with his breathing still unsteady. "And out through your mouth," Louis continued, and Harry blew a breath out. Louis could see he was starting to calm down. Harry did the breathing exercise a few more times as Louis alternated between rubbing his cheeks and pushing his hair behind his ear.

"There you go, you're alright," Louis said as Harry finally started to breath normally again. The sobs became soft whimpers and Louis just pulled Harry's head to his chest, combing his fingers through his hair. He knew that relaxed Harry most of the time so it was all he could think to do to help him at the moment.

They sat there like that for a while. Louis didn't want Harry to feel rushed or start to panic again, so he just held him and let him cry.

After about 10 minutes, Harry lifted his head from Louis' chest and wiped at his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said just above a whisper, looking down at the ground.

"Hey," Louis said and lifted Harry's chin so they could make eye contact. "You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, love," Louis said, pulling Harry toward him place a soft kiss on his temple.

"Why did this have to happen to her, Lou? Why Gemma?" Harry said, and as quickly as he had calmed down, his eyes started to fill with tears again.

Louis' heart just ached for Harry seeing how broken he was. He started rubbing his back and Harry looked over to him, tears falling down his cheeks again.

"Why?" he said again, his voice breaking, making Louis' eyes sting.

"I don't think anyone knows why things like this happen, love. It's completely fucked up and unfair, and I'm so, so sorry, Haz," Louis said, probably revealing too much of how he truly felt in lieu of actually saying something comforting. Louis knew those empty answers weren't consoling Harry, so he dug deep and spoke from his heart.

"But what you always need to remember, Harry, is that Gemma loved you so, so much. And she was so incredibly proud of you," Louis said, and he surprised himself by making himself emotional. He could feel it in his voice.

"You know she told me once, that every time she would come to watch a show, she would just stare in awe of how talented you were. And she couldn't believe that she got to call you her baby brother," Louis said, and it was the truth. During the Take Me Home tour Gemma had come to a few shows and they got to talking one night and she started to cry and tell Louis how proud she was of Harry. Louis didn't want to add that bit in because he didn't want Harry to think of Gemma crying. But he hoped that story made him feel better instead of worse.

Harry looked at him and gave him the best smile he could muster.

"She really said that?" Harry said, seeming a bit embarrassed but so happy that his sister thought he did a good job. He'd sought Gemma's approval for his whole life. He just wanted her to think he was cool like her. And he was glad that maybe event if just for a moment, she did.

"Absolutely," Louis said, smiling back at him. "And she told me if I ever told you that she'd have my guts for garters," he continued, and they both laughed. "But I think she'd be glad you know that now," Louis added, rubbing Harry's thigh.

Harry looked over at Louis and smiled at him again. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was red, but Louis thought that smile was still the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

"Thank you, Louis," Harry said, grabbing Louis' hand on his thigh and squeezing it lightly. Louis wanted to tell Harry again to stop thanking him, but he wasn't about ruin the moment but scolding him. He just smiled and lifted their entwined fingers to his mouth, kissing the back of Harry's hand lightly.

"You ready to go back in?" Louis said, searching Harry's features to be sure he wasn't rushing him.

Harry nodded and stood up, signaling that he was ready. Louis helped him straighten his jacket out and fix his hair, and the pair of them headed back inside.

Harry's parents and their significant others were still there, and Aunt Maggie had come in to make sure everyone was doing OK. Anne walked over to make sure Harry was alright, and gave Louis a grateful smile.

Louis tensed when he saw Harry walk away from him, but he stayed back and watched as Harry headed toward the casket, which was still open. Louis walked a bit closer so he could be there in an instant if Harry needed him, but stayed back enough to give Harry a moment with his sister.

"Hey, Gems," Harry said, and Louis felt his heart start to race. Harry's voice was so gentle and loving, and Louis could feel his heart shatter and his eyes brim with tears.

"I miss you so much," Harry said, clearing his throat in an effort to stay composed. "But I will see you again soon, OK? Just save a seat for me up there, yeah?" he said and Louis felt rude listening in, but it made him feel better to think Harry would get some odd kind of closure from doing this.

"I love you so much," Harry said as he put his hand over hers, and leant down to kiss her forehead, not caring that it felt cold and strange and so unlike Gemma. He turned around for a moment to look for Louis. They both had tears on their cheeks. Harry gestured for Louis to come over to him by the casket and Louis obeyed. He put his hand on Harry's back, rubbing what he hoped were soothing circles, as they stood there for a few moments. Louis hadn't been this close to the dead body of someone he truly cared about since he'd been old enough to realize the unyielding certainty of death. It chilled him to the core.

After a minute, Harry reached behind him and grabbed Louis' hand, and entwined their fingers at his side between them. He put his head down, and Louis knew he was praying. So Louis put his head down and said his own prayer. He and God weren't super close, but Louis felt like they understood each other well enough. He asked God to take care of Gemma and help the whole family through their grief. And he asked even more desperately for God to help Harry be as close to OK as he could after all of this. Louis was slowly realizing that the Harry he knew kind of died with Gemma. The endearing innocent sparkle in Harry's eyes would be a distant memory after this. No one goes through a tragedy unscathed, Louis knew that. But it made his heart break. So he also asked God to help him help Harry, in any way he could, however he needed him to.

Harry did the sign of the cross and kissed the cross necklace he was wearing when he was finished. Anne walked over and asked both of the boys if they were ready for them to close the casket and let everyone inside. Harry nodded and walked away from the casket with Anne, so Louis stayed behind for a moment, knowing this was his last chance.

"I'm really gonna miss you too, Gems," he said. "And you were right - but I guess you know that now," he went on, feeling less silly than he thought he would having this one-sided conversation. "I promise I'll take care of him, OK?" he said just above a whisper. He reached out and placed his hand on her forearm. It was quite cold and stiff, but he didn't care. The contact made him feel like she'd heard him. "Love you," he said finally, and gave her a small smile before he walked over to where the family was gathered by the room's entrance.

George went over and closed the casket, which made everyone start crying hard again. There was a harsh sense of finality knowing that was the very last time they were all going to see Gemma. It was the saddest thing Louis could ever remember experiencing.

Several people came throughout the couple of hours they were there. Some of Gemma and Harry's childhood friends; a few aunts, uncles and cousins; as well as some of her close uni friends. Louis looked over to see the boys, stood in a corner with Lou and Tom. Louis got Harry's attention and gestured over to where the boys were. They both walked over to them and they all exchanged hugs.

The boys said they were going to stick around for the night and had booked hotel room close by. Harry tried to persuade them to stay at his mum's house, but they didn't want to impose with so much going on today.

After about two hours of everyone talking, crying, laughing and hugging over memories of Gemma, Robin finally called attention to the room. He told everyone they were welcome to come back to the house for the reception and sent Maggie along to take control of everything while the family went to the cemetery.

They boys and Lou said they would head to the house and Louis looked forward to catching up a bit. He'd missed the lads and welcomed the slight sense of normalcy they brought with them.

Louis went along with Anne, Robin, Des, Jane and Harry to the cemetery where they buried Gemma beneath a beautiful marble headstone with her photo etched in the back. They all placed roses on the grave and said a lovely prayer lead by Anne.

There were two cars that were going to take them all back to Anne and Robin's house, so the parents all hopped in one and Louis and Harry got one to themselves.

They slid in the back, and sat silently for a while. Harry had his arm around Louis, and Louis had his hand on Harry's thigh, rubbing circles with his thumb. Louis had his head resting on Harry's shoulder, and Harry let his head fall against Louis'. They were both exhausted and emotionally drained. Louis hoped that back at Anne's house the mood would be a bit lighter, and people would have some drinks in Gemma's honor and they could all talk about happy memories. He didn't want to cry anymore and he certainly didn't want to see Harry shed one more single tear.

"Lou," Harry said, startling Louis a bit.

"Hm?" was Louis' response, neither of them moving.

"Thank-" Harry started, and Louis interrupted him.

"Haz, what did I tell you about that?" he cut in, turning to look up at Harry. He was so sick of Harry thanking him. He didn't need a 'thank you' for finally getting his head out of his arse and being the friend to Harry that he deserved.

"I know," Harry said, his voice a bit thicker than Louis would like. He thought the crying was over for the moment. "But I don't think I could have gotten through this without you. I just want you to know how grateful I am that you were here," Harry finished, and Louis squeezed his thigh.

"I told you, love - nowhere else I would be," Louis said, and they both leaned in for a soft kiss.

They rested their heads back against each other and closed there eyes, soaking up the few minutes of rest before the emotional day resumed back at the house. Louis felt so warm and comfortable cuddled up against Harry. He'd almost forgotten how lovely that feeling was. And how great Harry always smelled. He knew that if they could get through this together, it was a good sign for their future.

And he was really starting to get used to thinking of Harry as a permanent fixture in whatever kind of future that may be.

 


	9. The space between, where you're smiling high

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it took so long to update, but it took me a while to decide where to go from here. I think there should be about 3 more chapters, but who knows - que sera, sera! Hope you enjoy! Comments and kudos are absolutely lovely! xx.

The reception turned out to be a nice break from the emotional day, with people catching up with family and friends they haven't seen in a while, and everyone sharing happy memories of Gemma.

Louis was happy to have the lads there. They hadn't told Harry or Louis that they were planning to come, but they all knew and loved Gemma and wanted to be there to support Harry, and even Louis, as much as they could.

When they arrived, Louis spotted the three familiar faces sitting at a table set a bit apart from the crowd.

"Why don't you go check on your mum, love," Louis said, placing his hand on Harry's lower back as they walked out into the back garden. "I'm gonna go talk to the boys," Louis said pointing at where they were sat.

"Yeah I should probably make the rounds," Harry said, reaching behind him to give Louis' hand a squeeze. "I'll meet you over there," he went on as they both smiled and walked their separate ways. Louis felt quite weird without Harry at his side. He'd been there every moment for the entire day, and it made Louis less anxious to be near enough to be there for anything Harry may need.

As he took a seat at the table with the boys, all of their faces lit up to see him and then sunk a bit seeing closely how tired and worn he looked.

"Hey mate, how are you doing?" Liam said looking concerned, like he was assessing the state Louis was in.

Louis just looked around at them and scrubbed his hand down his face, shrugging his shoulders.

"It's been a crazy, emotional few days," Louis said.

"How's Harry?" Niall piped in, looking over at Louis.

"Honestly, this has been so hard for him. And hard to watch," Louis said, taking a pause to keep his emotions in check as he felt a lump forming in his throat. "It's just so terrible, and I feel so awful for him - for all of them. I just don't think there's any way to be OK again after something like this, d'ya know what I mean?" Louis said, not expecting anyone to answer. But he'd had no one to vent to for days and that thought had been consuming him and making him feel sick the whole time. He didn't want Harry to change one bit, he was perfect the way he was, if you ask Louis.

"Well I'm sure you being here helped him loads," Liam said reaching over to put his hand on Louis' forearm, offering a comforting smile.

The boys talked for a while, about what they'd been up to during this impromptu break from the tour and how management had their knickers in a twist about canceling so many shows.

"I told them we all thought it was best to cancel the rest of the tour," Niall said, and Liam and Zayn nodded in agreement. "They were dicks about it, of course, and they want to have a conference call with all of us to talk about it or whatever," Niall continued, looking at Louis, waiting for his reaction.

"Yeah, well they can be dicks all they like, but so can I. They should know me better than that by now," Louis said, making all the boys laugh.

Lou and Tom walked over to talk to them and while the others were distracted, Zayn leaned over to Louis and whispered, "Come for a walk with me, yeah?" Louis nodded and they got up unnoticed. Louis knew Zayn was probably dying for a cigarette and he could use a moment alone to talk without all eyes on him. They wandered over to the far side of the back garden and along the side of the house where no one would see them. There was a small patio off the side of the house and few pieces of furniture were set up. The boys took a seat and Zayn, as Louis knew he would, pulled out his pack of cigs.

"How are you holdin' up, mate?" Zayn said, lighting up and taking a drag.

"I'm OK, I guess. I just feel numb, ya know," Louis said. "It's been hard to see Harry so upset though. I'm just gutted for him."

Zayn looked tentative before asking, "Yeah...how has it been between you two? Alright?"

Louis waited a moment before answering, not sure how much he wanted to reveal, but Zayn was one of his best mates and if he couldn't talk to him about what was going on, who else could he confide in?

"We talked about a lot of stuff, which I think was good, I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances," he said as Zayn just looked at him, ready to listen.

"I apologized for being such a wanker, and tried to explain where my head was at - why things ended up like this," he said, his voice a bit strained. But Zayn looked at him without any judgment in his eyes. Zayn knows that Louis and Harry drifted apart when the Larry Stylinson speculation became more than just a joke. He knew Louis was annoyed about it, but he also knew that Louis didn't want it to affect his friendship with Harry. But it did, and all the boys knew it. They never talked about it and Harry and Louis never brought it up, so it was just left alone.

Several moments passed before Louis spoke again, feeling as mentally prepared as he could be for what he was about to say.

"I have feelings for him, Zayn. I always have," Louis said, looking down at the ground, not completely ready to see Zayn's reaction.

When he finally looked up he could saw something in Zayn's eyes that he didn't expect - relief.

"But that doesn't surprise you does it?" Louis said with a laugh. "I was more shit at hiding my feeling than I thought, I guess."

"I kind of had an idea," Zayn said with a soft smile. "And I know how hard it was for both of you when all the rumors started to make things awkward. But I think we all sort of knew it was never really resolved, even though you have Eleanor and Harry went off and did his own thing."

Louis laughed lightly. "Yeah about that. El and I broke up."

Zayn looked a bit surprised but not sad. To be honest, he and Eleanor had never really clicked. He was pretty indifferent when it came to her.

"So you and Harry are..." Zayn started, not wanting to overstep.

"No, no - I mean, I dunno. We just talked about things. I told him how I felt about him in the beginning, that I thought I was attracted to him. And turns out he felt the same, but we both knew it was too risky. So we both let it be. Like idiots," Louis said and he and Zayn shared a laugh.

"And this hasn't really been the best time to sort through how we feel now, and what we're gonna do about it. I mean it's hard - we're still in the same position we were in in a lot of ways. It'll affect you boys, the band, the fans," Louis said, stopping to take a deep breath. "But being around all of this, Zayn, all of this sadness and talk of death - I think I'm just realizing more about what's really important. And that you should tell people how you feel before it's too late."

Zayn looked at him and nodded. Louis loved that Zayn was such a great mate. He listened, didn't judge and always let Louis vent about whatever was bothering him. So Louis decided in a split second that he may as well be completely honest.

"We kissed," Louis said, and Zayn's eyes got a bit wider.

"Bloody hell," was all Zayn said. Then he smiled spread across his face.

"I know, right," Louis laughed, happy that Zayn was cool about it.

Zayn always knew there was always something more between Harry and Louis than a bromance. But he never really thought much of it. He didn't question it when they cuddled during movie nights at whichever one of the lad's houses they'd voted on, or when Louis would always be the one to comfort Harry when he was upset with a little more love and affection than just a mate would. He had actually envied their relationship; and was genuinely saddened when they started to drift apart, knowing it was gutting them both deep down, no matter how much they tried to hide it.

"Just do me a favor and don't tell the boys just yet. Harry and I still have a lot to talk about, and who knows what's going to happen," Louis said. He felt bad even asking Zayn that. He knew he could trust him, but he had to be sure he was clear that this wasn't something they were ready to talk about with the other boys yet.

"Of course, mate," Zayn said. "But Lou, I'm happy for you guys that you're trying to figure it out. Your two of my best mates, and I'll support you guys no matter what."

Louis just turned and hugged Zayn before they headed back, happy that his friend was so supportive and understanding. Bless.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry had come back to sit with Louis and the boys, and they all sat around for a couple of hours laughing, joking and crying a bit. It was getting late and there were only a few people left, all scattered around the back garden.

"Well we should probably get going," Liam said, taking note of his surroundings.

"You sure you guys don't want to stay? There's plenty of room," Harry said where he was sat next to Louis, close enough that no one could tell Louis' hand had found a home on Harry's thigh since he'd sat down.

"No, mate, we don't want to impose. Besides we all already checked into our rooms," Niall said with a small smile.

"So are you guys gonna to come over so we can talk to management before you leave? We may as well call them while we're all together," Louis said with a smirk, knowing they're in for a bit of a fight about canceling the rest of the tour.

Harry looked down at the table, a bit embarrassed that he was the cause of the problems between the boys and management. Louis could feel Harry tense next to him, and started rubbing his thigh with his thumb. He knew Harry was feeling guilty about the boys sticking up for him, and felt awful knowing they'd be letting more fans down canceling the rest of the shows.

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," Liam said. "So we'll be over around 8, then?"

"Sounds good. Can't wait to say you're cherub faces bright and early," Louis said, and they all let out a laugh.

After they'd all hugged and given their farewells, Harry and Louis had both decided to get out of the suits they'd been in all day and have a shower.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Louis could still hear the shower running in the other bathroom, he knew Harry was probably soaking up the alone time after being around people constantly for the past few days.

Louis' body felt exhausted but he wasn't really sleepy, so he went downstairs to make some tea. He took his cuppa out to his sanctuary - the porch swing - and sat looking up at the stars trying to wrap his mind around what he was feeling.

For the first time in a long time, he let his mind drift back to his early memories of One Direction. When he and Harry were attached at the hip. When they lived together. Did everything together. Talked to each other everyday. He missed that so much he felt a physical ache in his heart at the thought. He missed how Harry looked at him like he was the coolest person on the planet. He missed Harry confiding in him about his feelings and what was going on in his life. He missed how those curls made his stomach flutter and those dimples made him go weak at the knees - actually, who is he kidding? They still do.

He wanted to come right out and tell Harry that he wanted to be with him - fuck what management or anyone else thought. But he didn't want it to be overwhelming. Just because he had realized what he wanted and he didn't care about anyone's reactions doesn't mean that Harry won't care. And he has no choice but to respect that. He cares about him enough to let him decide where this was going.

The problem is, Louis isn't quite sure how to broach the subject with the sensitivity it requires. Louis has always been blunt and forward, especially with his close mates. But he knew this was different. He needed to be careful about how he approached Harry or he'd risk losing him again - this time probably forever.

Just as his stomach clenched at that terrifying thought, he heard the sliding doors and Harry walked out, his own cuppa and a throw blanket in hand.

He walked over to the swing, clad in sweats and a long-sleeved black T-shirt, covering both he and Louis' laps up with the blanket as he sat down so he and Louis were touching shoulders to knees.

"Thought I'd find you out here," he said, looking over at Louis with a smile.

"Yeah, just counting the stars. I think I'm up to 282,310 so far," Louis said and Harry laughed, his dimples coming out full force.

Louis reached his hand out and brush his knuckles against Harry's cheek.

"How're you feeling, love?" Louis said, noticing how tired Harry looked, emotionally and physically.

Harry reached up and grabbed Louis hand, kissing it before entwining their fingers, pulling their linked hands to his lap.

"I don't think I feel anything. I'm just numb. Is that awful?" he responded, voice low and hoarse.

"No, I know exactly what you mean," Louis said, giving Harry's hand a squeeze as their eyes met.

They both took a few sips of tea and leaned back, completely happy to sit silently together with their hands clasped. After a few minutes Harry coughed lightly, causing Louis to stir and lull his head to the side to look over at him.

"Lou," Harry started as their eyes met again, "thank you."

Louis' immediate instinct was to scold Harry once again for thanking him, but he thought better of it and just gave him a fond smile and rubbed his thumb along the back of Harry's hand in his.

"I don't think you really understand how grateful I am for you being here. It really means a lot to me that you came even though things were kinda weird between us," Harry said, pausing for a breath and looking down in his lap as his cheeks flushed a bit.

"Harry..." Louis started, about to tell him, as he had several time in the past few days, that he would have never let him go through this alone. But Harry, interrupted him, continuing before he lost his courage.

"And I want you to know that I really meant everything I've said. I...I love you, Lou. I guess I always have. And I want to give this a real shot...us, give us a real shot. I just...want to make sure that's what you want, too. And not just because you feel bad for what I've gone through," Harry said, glancing tentatively at Louis, knowing he could easily take offense to that. But Harry hoped he knew that he didn't mean it that way.

Louis' face did the opposite of what Harry thought, and instead of scrunching up in confusion or acrimony, his lips formed a soft smile. Louis then angled his body more toward the boy next to him, and raised his other hand that wasn't in Harry's to reach behind his neck and gently pull him in until their lips met in a gentle, loving kiss.

As they pulled apart, Louis kept his hand on the side of Harry's neck, rubbing his thumb gently on his cheek.

"I love you, too, Harry," Louis said, giving him another quick peck before continuing, "and I'm not sure of many things, but I am very sure of that. And I want nothing more in the world than to be with you as long as you'll have me."

Harry's eyes were glistening with unshed tears as he pushed forward and pressed his lips to Louis' a bit more passionately than the first time, looking to deepen the kiss almost immediately. Louis gladly obliged, tasting the slightest hint of lemon on Harry's tongue from his tea. Louis continued rubbing Harry's cheek as they kissed until a few moments later he felt teardrops on his thumb, and he pulled back slowly looking in Harry's eyes.

"Don't cry, baby," Louis said, moving his hands to wipe Harry's cheeks and give him a light kiss on the nose.

"Happy tears," Harry said, offering the best smile he could muster.

"I just haven't felt like anything has been real this week," Harry went on, turning his head to kiss the palm of Louis' hand on his cheek, "I'm just so happy that _this_ is."

"Yeah, me too," Louis said, so endeared by Harry that he couldn't help but smile.

The two of them sat their with their foreheads together for a few minutes, both letting the reality sink in. Harry was the first to pull back, wiping the remnants of tears from his cheeks, letting his eyes fall back to Louis. He couldn't help it really, they were always drawn there. He had no control over it.

"So should we tell the boys?" Harry said, again feeling like his 16-year-old self ready to take Louis' lead with anything.

"That is entirely up to you, love. I'm good with whatever you decide," Louis said, and Harry's heart skipped a beat. He knew this meant that Louis really loved him if he'd give up control. He loved calling the shots and making the final decisions on things.

"Yeah, I think we should. This is gonna affect them a lot, too, so I think we should all decide what's best for the band. Like how we should go about everything, ya know?" Harry said, still sort of searching for Louis to give him some guidance.

"Yeah, I think that sounds like a plan," Louis said. Seeing the uncertainty lingering in Harry's eyes, he leaned in to give him another soft kiss to reassure him that he was really perfectly fine with whatever he decided.

As they broke apart, Harry smiled and Louis' heart melted. Even with tired, bloodshot eyes and flushed cheeks, Harry really was the most beautiful human being Louis had ever seen, inside and out. And he knew he would never be able to fully comprehend how he had gotten lucky enough to have this boy's love.

Harry moved to rest his head on Louis' shoulder and they leaned back against the swing, Louis pushing them softly back and forth. Harry pulled the blanket up a bit to cover his shoulders as he snuggled next to Louis, who raised his arm to put around him, pulling him close.

"You tired, love?" Louis finally said after a few minutes, faintly hearing Harry's breathing start to even.

"I don't wanna move," Harry said, snuggling closer if that was even possible. Louis laughed lightly and turned to kiss Harry's temple.

"Me either," Louis answered, thinking that he could definitely stay like this with Harry forever. And his heart skipped a beat thinking that forever was actually an option for them now.

"So where were you...282,310?" Harry said turning his head to look up at Louis with the smile Louis loved the best - ear to ear. Louis laughed and looked down, pressing his lips to Harry's softly, before they returned to snuggling and went on counting until they both fell asleep under the stars snuggled together - both genuinely happy and hopeful for the future for the first time in ages.


	10. Is where you'll find me if I get to go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your kind comments, it means so much! Again I'm endlessly sorry it took so long, but here it is - let me know what you think! xx

It was 7 a.m. and Louis was in the kitchen making a cuppa. He and Harry had fallen asleep outside counting stars, but he felt a few rain drops soon after and guided a half-sleeping Harry up to his room where they slept soundly for a few more hours. Louis woke up uncharacteristically early and decided to let Harry sleep while he had a shower and got dressed.

Liam had texted and said they had talked to management last night and planned to call them between 8 and 8:30 a.m. Louis was dreading the discussion and didn't want them to make Harry feel even slightly guilty for any of the cancelations or the situation in general. That would make Louis lose his shit, and he was in such a content mood after his talk with Harry he didn't want anything to ruin it.

He hadn't really had time to properly digest that Harry had told him he loved him. It came out of both of their mouths so easily. This whole thing has been so much easier than he'd ever imagined it would be. He always thought that kind of shit only happened in the movies. But Louis is slowly but surely starting to believe that there is such a thing as fate. You would think he would believe in it already considering his life thus far, but he always knew there was a good amount of luck and opportune timing that lead to his success. But he was fairly sure it was fate that lead him to Harry.

Before Louis got too carried away with his thoughts, he headed upstairs so he could wake Harry and give him enough time to get ready before the boys arrived.

Louis walked in to see Harry still sound asleep, looking absolutely adorable lying on his side, drooling on his pillow. Louis walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, just looking at him. He looks so peaceful Louis almost doesn't have the heart to wake him. He just slowly reaches down, grazing his knuckles over Harry's cheek, smiling as the younger boys' eyes flutter open.

"Lou?" Harry said in his low, gravelly morning voice. Harry's morning voice had always been so sexy. Louis felt his stomach flutter, but he just continued to smile softly.

"Good morning," he said as Harry rolled on his back to stretch a bit, letting his arm fall to rest on Louis' leg next to him.

"What time is it?" Harry said, looking up at Louis. Even with bedhead and eyes only half open, Louis thought he was so beautiful.

"About 7:15 - the boys will be here around 8," Louis said, reaching to push some of Harry's unruly curls behind his ear.

They just sat for a few moments looking at each other, trading soft touches, just basking in the peace and quiet of each other's company.

Harry groaned a bit as he sat up, wiping the sleep out of his eyes.

Their eyes connected and Harry just smiled, happy that everything that has happened between them wasn't a dream he'd just woken from like he thought.

"Hey, Lou?" he said, voice still a bit gravelly.

"Hm?" Louis answered as he turned to look Harry in the face.

"Would it be OK if we maybe didn't tell management just yet? About us, I mean," Harry said, voice soft and tentative like he was afraid of offending him. Louis' face instinctively scrunched a bit, and his brows furrowed in confusion, but not anger. Harry saw his expression, and continued to clarify.

"I mean obviously I want to tell the boys, but I kind of want some time just for us for a while - before the whole world gets involved," he said searching Louis' face for a reaction. Louis' features immediately softened, completely understanding where Harry was coming from. They both had seen and experienced how much the media, and even fans in some cases, could affect relationships. That's often why celebrities keep quiet about dating until they're ready to get married or have a baby or something.

Louis just reached his hand up to Harry's cheek, and pulled him in for a gentle kiss.

"I'm good with whatever you want to do, love," Louis said honestly as he pulled away from the kiss.

"You're really OK with that?" Harry said, treading lightly, but digging deeper to be sure that's really how Louis felt, not just what he thought Harry wanted to hear.

"I really am. We've spent too much time letting speculation and media bullshit affect our lives. I think it's good for us to have some time together without having to answer questions and read belligerent articles all over the place. Let's just keep this low key and when we're ready, we'll tell the team and go from there," Louis said, giving Harry another peck to try and reassure him that he was being totally honest.

Harry's face was all pearly whites and dimples, making Louis' heart skip a beat.

Louis knew this wasn't about hiding their relationship, it was about keeping it private. It wasn't like they were denying themselves because of fear; they just wanted to get settled together out of the spotlight. To have some time to get to know each other again and explore their new relationship without millions of people dissecting their every move. They have to deal with that enough as it is already and it's exhausting. They both cherish what's between them far too much to throw it into the lion's den before they're absolutely sure it will come out unscathed.

"Why don't you hop in the shower and I'll go make you some tea," Louis said as he stood, leaning down to kiss the top of Harry's head for good measure. Harry nodded in agreement and Louis headed back downstairs.

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Anne and Robin had left early, heading to London to clean out Gemma's apartment. Harry had said he would go if Anne wanted him to, but she said she and Robin could handle it just fine. They would bring everything back for them, Harry and Des to sort through together.

So it was just Harry and Louis when the doorbell rang at 8:03 a.m., and they smiled seeing Louis, Liam and Zayn looking equally as thrilled to be up this early.

The five of them sat together in the living room, discussing how they were going to approach this dreaded conversation.

"Fuck it, let's just tell them we're canceling the rest of it, end of story," Niall said, as adamant as he was from the beginning that they not push Harry into anything before he's ready.

"I do think it would look quite strange for Harry, or any of us, to just do another show and pretend like everything's normal. The fans would see right through it," said Zayn, giving the wise insight he was known for.

"What do you think, Harry?" Liam said, and everyone looked to the curly-haired lad.

Harry cleared his throat, and his cheeks started to flush a bit. He knew the right thing to do was to suck it up and finish the tour. It was his job, after all. He didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially the fans after all they've done for the band.

As if Louis read his mind, he piped up first, "I know you feel bad letting the fans down, Haz, but you know how they are. They'll understand," he said, bumping his knee against Harry's where he was sat next to him. "As far as management and the money - yeah, they're gonna be pissed - but what are they going to do about it, really? If we all refuse they'll have to just deal with it and we'll just move on and focus on promo for the new album."

Harry smiled, so appreciative of Louis, and all the boys, for sticking up for him like this.

"Well I sort of had an idea," Harry said, gaining everyone's attention.

"Maybe we could do a few shows just before the new album, like for charity - raising awareness against drunk driving," Harry continued, looking down, trying to keep his emotions in check. "In Gemma's memory," he said, just loudly enough for the boys to hear.

All of the boys stayed silent, not sure what to say, and Louis felt a lump forming in his throat, so proud of Harry for trying to find a way for some good to come out of this tragedy. He placed his hand on Harry's back and looked to the other lads, all of them had tears in their eyes.

"I think that's an absolutely wonderful idea," Louis said, and Harry looked up at him, giving him a soft smile before leaning into him a bit.

All of the other boys voiced their agreement. They all knew that management would eat this idea up. Something that would get tons of media attention and show the boys in a good light - that's a field day for them. Even though they all knew Harry's suggestion had much, much deeper meaning than that.

They all wiped the tears from their cheeks and composed themselves before they made the call to management. As they'd thought, the big wigs hated canceling the tour, but loved the idea of the charity shows. They went on and on about how they could tease a few songs from the new album, and the new single would be released by then so it would be great timing and blah, blah, blah. Louis rolled his eyes through nearly the entire conversation and was glad when it was finally over.

"Well that wasn't so bad," Liam said, after he ended the call, looking around at his bandmates. They all nodded in agreement but stayed silent.

Louis looked over and made eye contact with Zayn, who glanced at Louis' hand on Harry's back and gave him a small smile. Louis figured this was good a time as any to bring it up.

"So lads, Harry and I have something else we wanted to, um, talk to you about," Louis said, pulling Harry a bit closer when he felt him tense up next to him. Everyone was staring at him, including Harry, looking for him to lead as usual. Louis took that as his cue to continue.

"Well as you know, the two of us have spent a lot of time together this week, and we've talked about a lot of things as well," he started, realizing he was a bit more nervous to tell the boys about this than he thought he was. So he just spit it out, hoping it makes sense.

"And, so, um...we're together," he said, looking around to gauge their reactions.

"Together, like...together?" Liam said tentatively, looking back and forth between Harry and Louis. Both of them nodded, with sort of unreadable expressions on their faces, still waiting for real reactions from their best mates.

"Have you always been?" Liam went on, seemingly speaking for Niall and Zayn as well.

"No," Louis said quickly, and then went on, "Well not really. We weren't ever together, but we've always sort of had feelings for each other," Louis said, and he felt his cheeks flush a bit, not really knowing why. "We just now got our heads out of our arses and told each other," he said with a laugh, trying to lighten the mood a bit. These were the closest people to him in the world, he had always been able to talk to them about anything and he hoped, really hoped like hell, that he knew them well enough to be right about their reactions. Zayn looked just fine, smirking a bit since he kind of knew all of this; Liam had a confused but kind of intrigued look on his face; and Niall has a smile on his face from ear to ear.

"Well it's about fucking time, ya twats," Niall said and everyone's heads snapped to look at him. Then they all burst out laughing and Louis could feel Harry relax next to him, the laughter releasing the tension from his body.

"Well we support you guys no matter what, so whatever you decide to do, we're cool with it," Zayn said, looking to Liam and Niall, both of them nodding in agreement.

"Actually we were thinking we're not gonna tell management, or anyone, yet. Just you guys and maybe our families," Harry said, and the three lads looked kind of confused, just like Louis had when he'd first said it to him. So Louis jumped in to clear it up.

"We just don't want to deal with the bullshit right now - the media circus, Modest micromanaging us, answering questions in interviews, paps - we just want some time to ourselves for now. I mean, we're going to act normal - we're just not gonna snog on stage or anything," Louis said and they all laughed lightly, "yet," he added, and Harry playfully smacked his thigh.

"We just wanted you guys to know, because ya know, this affects you too," Harry said, and the tone in the room got suddenly serious again. "I hope you don't feel like we're being selfish. We know that this could ruin everything," he went on, and everyone became eerily somber at the thought.

Liam, Niall and Zayn love Harry and Louis and want them to be happy, but it is true that their relationship is going to affect the band. None of them wanted to think the worst, but Harry knew that there was a possibility it could destroy everything they'd built, and thought of it made him sick to his stomach.

"We definitely appreciate your support, but we do need to think about the band, we understand that," Louis went on, knowing that even though he and Harry hadn't really discussed this, they both knew it would have to be addressed when they did decide to go public with their relationship.

"Well we don't have to make a big announcement about it or anything. Nobody does that unless it's for publicity really," Liam started, "You guys just act however you want and people will think whatever they want just like always," he finished and everyone laughed lightly. They all knew that no matter what, people were going to speculate and judge and there'd be rumors - it was just the nature of the business. Besides, there were tons of celebrity couples that were together without anyone knowing for years. The public knows what you want them to know for the most part.

"Well you know Larry Stylinson will be back in full force now," Niall said, looking more to Louis than Harry, knowing it had always bothered him the most.

"Did it ever really go away, mate?" Louis said, and they all laughed again.

"Either way, we don't have to figure anything out right this second," Liam said, his voice full of understanding. "Let's just all relax until next week when we have to meet with management again. Are we all staying on this side of the pond for now?" he asked.

They all nodded, figuring it was silly to go anywhere else when their meeting with Modest would be in London in a few days.

"OK, well I think it's time we head out boys," Liam said, looking to Zayn and Niall.

"You guys are more than welcome to stay longer if you want," Harry said, always aiming to be a polite host.

"No we'll leave you guys to it - looks like you've got the house to yourself," Niall said, giving a super obvious wink in Harry and Louis' direction. They laugh as Louis throws a small pillow at Niall as the boys get up and head to the door. They all hug and say their goodbyes, and Louis can't help the sense of relief he feels. He never expected the boys to be twats about it, but he knew there was a chance they'd be hesitant to accept their relationship when it could ruin their entire empire. He's glad he didn't overestimate his mates. They really are the best he could have asked for.

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Harry and Louis spent the next few hours in sickeningly sweet domestic bliss. They made lunch together - OK Harry made lunch and Louis watch and fetched things from the fridge - they ate and headed back to the living room, Louis sitting at the end of the couch with Harry's head in his lap. They watched telly for a bit as Louis combed his fingers through Harry's hair. Both of them were the complete picture of peace and contentment. And they both needed it after the week they'd had.

"Ya know," Louis said softly, and Harry turned on his back to he could look up at him, "that was a really lovely idea about the concerts for Gemma." Harry's cheeks flushed a bit, and he just shrugged his shoulders.

"I just feel like I should do something. I don't want her death to be totally in vain," Harry said, feeling his eyes start to sting.

"Yeah, I know," Louis said rubbing the back of his knuckles against Harry's cheek. He noticed the tears starting to brim and immediately regretted bringing the topic up. He should have known better. He was so tired of seeing Harry cry.

"OK so what's there to do in Holmes Chapel? I've been here so many times and never even seen the bakery you used to work at," Louis said, and Harry laughed lightly.

"You sure you want to go there? They look like innocent old ladies, but they'll sneak a pinch on your bum in a matter of seconds," Harry said, smiling widely.

Louis knew Anne and Robin would be back eventually and they would all be sad again going through Gemma's things. Everyone would end up crying and their hearts would ache from missing her so much. Louis just wanted to give Harry a few hours of distraction until then, with absolutely no crying. He didn't care if Barbara pinched his bum all afternoon - if it made Harry laugh, he'd let her do it everyday for the rest of his life.

"Maybe I like my bum pinched," Louis said pinching Harry's nose playfully where he still lay in his lap. "I just think it would do us some good to get out for a bit," Louis added as Harry sat up and settled next to him on the sofa.

"Well everyone knows I'm home because of everything that's going on, we'd probably get bombarded anywhere," Harry said, looking a Louis with a bit of uncertainty before continuing, "And I don't want people to think I'm out messing about just after her funeral while we canceled the rest of the tour," Harry said, looking down as he felt his cheeks warm.

"You can't stay inside forever, babe," Louis said, reaching over to squeeze Harry's thigh.

"I know, but I also don't really want to see anyone right now. I just don't need them saying sorry and asking how everyone is and if we need anything, ya know? I've heard enough of that to last a lifetime," Harry said looking to Louis, hoping he didn't upset him by shutting down his suggestion.

"I just thought you might like to get out a bit, love," Louis said, rubbing circles on Harry's thigh with his thumb, "I'm perfectly fine staying right here and watching Gogglebox for the rest of the day," he said, giving Harry a smile.

Harry smiled back, just looking at Louis - his Louis. He knew Louis was only trying to help and he truly loved him for it. Harry's heart fluttered just thinking that this was real. He had his Louis back. The protective, concerned Louis that was always making sure he was comfortable and OK before he even thought about himself. He doesn't even realize he's doing it before he's leaning in, pressing his lips to Louis' softly.

"What was that for?" Louis said smiling against Harry's lips.

"I don't have to have a reason, do I?" Harry said laughing against Louis' mouth as they kiss again for a few moments.

"Absolutely not," Louis says, as the pull apart. "You're welcome to do that any time, anywhere you see fit," he went on with a sinful smirk, making Harry blush. He was always the flirt and wasn't used to anyone making his heart flutter every time they touched him. But Louis has always had that effect on him and he wouldn't trade it for anything.

"Hey I know what we can do," Harry said suddenly perking up on the sofa. "We can walk down my old dog path along the river. It's just a bunch of fields, but it's actually really pretty. Even though you made fun of it," Harry says jokingly and Louis laughs. They both remember the interview where they were asked where they would take a girl if they brought them to their hometown, and that was Harry's answer. Louis had taken the piss out of him for it at the time, but now, he couldn't think of anything more he'd want to do than have Harry show him his favorite part of Holmes Chapel.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As they set out on the path Louis reached over and grabbed Harry's hand, intertwining their fingers. He knew that wouldn't be able to be this affectionate just yet, so he wanted to savor the opportunity to do it now.

"So this is where you took all of your lady friends?" Louis said, and Harry smiled.

"No I said I _would_ take them here, I didn't say I actually did," Harry pointed out, still smiling.

They walked along the river for a while and Harry eventually guided them to the edge of an open field, where the rolling hills and open blue sky looked just like a postcard. It took Louis' breath away for a moment, if he was honest.

They came to an abrupt stop and Louis watched as Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath. They've both missed the tranquility that comes with fresh air and wide open spaces. It's hard to come by when they spend 90 percent of their time in major cities. 

The field was outlined with trees and the soft sound of the river was just behind them. Louis pulled Harry over to the tree closest to them. He sat down with his back against the trunk and pulled Harry down to sit in between his legs with his back to his chest. He snaked his arms around Harry's waist and felt him relax into him, leaning his head back against his shoulder.

Louis felt so peaceful, just taking in the beauty of the nature and the warmth of the boy he loves in his arms. He almost felt guilty for a moment, wishing that it could always be like this. That it could be as easy to actually be together as it was to tell each how they felt. He knows that no matter how they do it, their relationship won't go unnoticed by the media, the fans or their friends and families. It's overwhelming to think about, but for the first time in a long time, Louis isn't afraid of what people think. He doesn't fear being judged or facing the haters - because he knows it's worth it. Harry's worth it. He knows he will never for the rest of his life feel the feeling he has when he kisses that boy. And he would endure whatever was necessary to have that feeling for the rest of his life.

Louis was pulled from his thoughts when he felt Harry shift in front of him so he could look up and meet Louis' eyes.

"Hey," Harry said soft with his lovely close-lipped smile that melted Louis' heart.

"Hi," Louis said, leaning down to kiss Harry's nose softly.

"You're sure you're really OK with keeping this to ourselves for now? I don't want you to think I'm trying to hide it from anyone because I'm embarrassed or don't want anyone to know, because I promise, Louis, that's not the case. And I know you like to keep things private and I want to respect that," Harry said, and Louis could hear the slight shake in his voice from his nerves. Louis just squeezed him around the middle a bit tighter. He knew Harry better than that. He knew he those wouldn't be his motives, and even if they were, he wouldn't have the heart to lie about them.

"This from the one who takes girls to gay clubs and wears Michael Sam jerseys on stage," Louis said laughing into Harry's neck before saying seriously, "I know you aren't embarrassed, love. And I appreciate you wanting to keep it private for me, but I meant what I said, Haz - I'm good with whatever you want to do."

Harry reached in front of him to grab Louis' hand where it rested on his stomach to link their fingers.

"I just don't want any pressure on our relationship. From the fans or the media or anyone. I want it to be ours for a while before we share it with everyone else," Harry said and even though Louis couldn't see Harry's face, he knew he was pouting. "But I was thinking...like, what if we get caught kissing, or if someone takes a photo of us like this on tour or something?" Harry asked, his body tensing a bit in Louis' arms.

"That's the thing, innit? We're not going to run out and shout it in the streets or anything - even though I'd have no problem doing that at any time - but if it comes up, or we're asked about it, we don't have to lie. You know I love to mess with reporters, we can leave them hanging in the interviews. This could be kind of fun, actually," Louis said and Harry laughed heartily at Louis' suggestion. He knew Louis would find a way to make this heavy topic light and fun, and he loved him for it.

"Don't worry about it so much, baby - you've got enough going on. We'll figure it all out, I promise," Louis said, kissing Harry's temple.

Harry felt as if a weight had lifted off of him as he relaxed back into Louis. He knew he was so paranoid because he didn't want history to repeat itself. It was the rumors and speculation that drove Louis crazy in the first place, and now they'd be back again probably worse than ever. Harry just didn't want it to overwhelm Louis and scare him away. But for some reason, he knew Louis was being truthful when he said he agreed with him about waiting.

The realization gave Harry butterflies in his stomach as he leaned back a bit to look up at Louis again.

"I love you," Harry said just above a whisper, showing off his dimples as he smiled sweetly. Louis' heart skipped a beat. He doesn't think he could ever get tired of hearing Harry say those words to him.

"I love you back," Louis returned quietly, leaning down to gently kiss Harry's soft lips, hoping it felt as reassuring as he meant it to be.

Harry knew if Louis could stick with him through the worst experience of his life like he had this past week, he could stick with him through almost anything - as long as they were together.


	11. The space between your heart and mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am profusely sorry this has taken me so long! I feel like an absolute asshole. So much has happened since I started writing this last chapter, I had to go back and start from scratch a few times! I hope you like how it turned out in the end. All the love xx. (Also, I'm posting this so late and I haven't read it through enough so there are probably mistakes but I promise I will fix them)

Louis rolled over in their bed, swinging his arm over to wrap around Harry, until he realized Harry wasn't there and his side of the bed was cold. Louis looked over to the clock which read 2:12 a.m. He knew if Harry was awake, he was only in one of two places - the kitchen or the study. Nine times out of ten he would be in the kitchen, either sipping a cuppa or baking one of his scrumptious confections. Louis hoped it was banana bread.

But when Louis reached the kitchen, it was dark and Harry was nowhere in sight.

So he head back over to the study, where the door was slightly ajar and the room was dark apart from a small glow coming from the computer screen they had on a beautiful wooden oak desk in the room. Harry insisted they make one of the rooms in their house a study. He said it reminded him of old movies. What he really wanted was a giant library like the one in Beauty and the Beast, but filled with a mixture of records, books and films. Louis promised him one day they'd have the biggest and best library of any home in LA.

Louis pushed the door open lightly, but Harry didn't seem to notice, looking quite focused on the whatever was on the screen.

"What are you doin' up, love?" Louis said gently, and Harry's head snapped up to look at him where he stood in the doorway. Louis walked over to him and wrapped his arms around Harry's shoulders from behind. "It's late," he added, kissing his cheek softly.

"I know, I'm sorry, babe. I just have so much left to do before the gala. I keep remembering things at the most random times and I know if I don't send the emails right out I'll forget," Harry said, nodding his head down to kiss Louis' forearm wrapped around his chest.

The first gala of the Gemma Styles Foundation was just two weeks away, and Harry wanted everything to be perfect.

When they had the original One Direction concert in honor of Gemma last year, Harry was completely shocked at the outpouring of love he received from his friends, other industry people, fans and total strangers, all who supported his effort to raise awareness against drunk driving. Harry couldn't believe the support he'd received, and knew he wanted to do something bigger, something more to continue with this cause in Gemma's memory.

So when Zayn left the band in March, and the rest of the boys decided to call it quits before their European leg of the tour began in June, Harry immediately started focusing all of his time on coming up with other ideas to raise money to spread awareness about preventing drunk driving. He, Louis, Liam and Niall knew after Zayn left it wouldn't be silly to continue pretending to be One Direction. They weren't One Direction without all five of them and they all knew it. They tried to go on without Zayn for a few weeks, but it never felt right. After many long discussions and meetings with their management and label, all four of the boys decided it was best to close the chapter on One Direction and move on.

They all spent the next several months recovering and figuring out what to do next. Zayn, Niall and Liam all ended up back in London, taking some time to relax. Niall was living a low-key life, just writing and producing a bit for other artists. Zayn and Liam both decided to take some time away from everything to focus on their relationships. Zayn and Perrie were still going strong, and Liam proposed to Sophia only a couple of weeks after the band split for good.

Harry and Louis had gone through the holidays and the beginning of OTRA keeping their relationship to themselves, not quite ready to share something so dear and special to them with the world. But after One Direction ended, they both had to decide where they wanted to go from there, and if they wanted to go together. Harry was so nervous to tell Louis he wanted to live in LA. He was so afraid Louis wouldn't even want to consider it, claiming it was too far away from their families and too full of pretentious people he hated and a lifestyle he loathed. But Harry was pleasantly surprised when Louis just smiled saying, "I'll be happy wherever, as long as I'm there with you." Harry took the piss for the sappiness but he cried at the words just the same.

So they've been living in LA for nearly a year now, and Harry spent majority of that time developing the Gemma Styles Foundation. Louis had been helping him of course, but he also became a fairly sought after songwriter in town after everyone found out they moved to LA. And when people found out Harry and Louis both lived in LA, it didn't take long for people to start speculating that they were together.

The glory of not being in the band anymore was that they didn't have to answer any questions if they didn't want to. They could really decide on their own how they wanted to handle everything. It was something they hadn't experienced in 5 whole years - complete control. It was fucking fantastic.

So they decided they weren't going to hide, or act like they weren't together. And when they got papped holding hands in West Hollywood, there was no meltdown, no PR nightmare, no scrambling to make up a lie about it. They just let people say what they wanted. They got some hate from people and some blogs were rude, but everyone they truly cared about supported them, and that was all the really mattered.

After that first photo, and the initial hubbub about it all, they would casually tweet about each other, or post photos of each other in Instagram. The fans went crazy and it kept them in the media for a while, but they didn't much mind.

Over the past year, Harry and Louis were both writing songs for other artists, and Louis was also producing a bit. They both knew they wanted to continue in the industry - they were just taking a much needed break to relax and regroup.

When Harry finally got the foundation up and running, he put Anne in charge, but he still had to do a lot of work with his connections and introducing Anne to the other people she'd be working with helping them get everything organized. They had received more than $3 million in donations in just the last four months from fans, friends and other celebrities looking to support Harry and the cause. Louis was so proud of him for turning the tragedy of Gemma's death into something positive that could prevent other families from going through what his went through.

The first big event for the foundation is the gala in a couple of weeks, and Harry just wants everything to go off without a hitch. Grimmy has agreed to MC, and Ed and Ariana had agreed to perform. Harry has never thrown a gala so he looked to Jeff for some guidance, which he gladly gave him. He actually has helped Anne a lot with most of the fundraising plans and the business end of the foundation. His $150,000 donation was great, too.

Harry wants all of the money raised through this foundation to go to alcohol treatment and prevention programs; teaching kids in high school not to drink and drive; helping survivors of drunk driving accidents financially; and helping victims families cope with the grief. He wants Gemma's name to be known around the word for a foundation that saves lives and helps people.

Louis has been so supportive of the entire endeavor and so happy to help in any way he can. He couldn't be more proud of what Harry has accomplished. He is truly in awe of everything about the boy that he loves so much. But he also knows that the stress of the gala is beginning to take a toll on Harry. He hasn't been getting enough sleep and he's worried sick as the day of the event creeps closer that some monumental mistake has been made and everything is going to fall apart at the seams. So Louis plays the dutiful, loving boyfriend and talks him down when he gets a questioning phone call from the caterer, makes sure he's up on time for his meetings since his sleep schedule is so off, and when he knows Harry is about to go over the edge, takes his mind off of everything by fucking him in their bed over and over until he forgets his own name.

So Louis' been finding Harry in the study at odd hours for the past few weeks, and knows he won't fight him when he slowly closes the laptop, and pulls him out of the desk chair, leading him to their bedroom.

"Do you want some tea before we lie down?" Louis asks as they pass the kitchen.

"Yes, please," Harry said with lidded eyes. The poor boy was so tired.

"Ok I'll be in in a minute," Louis said, pulling Harry in by the waist for a light kiss.

As Louis walks into their bedroom with two steaming mugs of tea, he sees Harry fast asleep, mouth open with drool already seeping onto his pillow. Louis just smiles fondly and his heart fills with love for his boy.

Sometimes he feels like his heart is so full it may burst out everywhere. Every time he thinks he couldn't love Harry any more, he'll do something to prove him wrong. Whether it's leaving "I love you!" Post-Its on the bathroom mirror when he has to leave first in the morning, or letting Louis pick an action film on their movie nights when Louis knows Harry would prefer a rom-com, not a day goes by Louis doesn't feel like the luckiest bloke in the entire world. He's learned that while he and Harry have the ability to make grand gestures to each other in public, and be extravagant with gifts and purchases all the time - it really is more about the little things in life. The song they'd sung so long ago makes more sense to Louis now than it ever has.

So Louis gets in bed, takes a few sips of tea as he looks quickly at his phone, before wrapping his arms around Harry pulling his back flush to his chest, and breaths in coconut shampoo until the aroma escorts him to dreamland.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The day of the gala, Harry can barely sit still for more than two seconds.

Louis knew everything was good to go, because he had more contact with Anne and the gala organizers than Harry did the past few days. He gave them strict instructions to call him first if anything went wrong, so he could fix it, and Harry would never have to know.

So when he got a call from a foundation assistant, Melanie, at 6 a.m. that morning saying the venue's sound system was fucked up after an event they had the night before, Louis gave them his credit card to buy two new amps and had them call him back as soon as they were set up and working properly.

Harry had no idea what was going on when he woke up an hour later, seeing Louis out on their porch swing in the back drinking his tea.

"Mornin', babe," Harry said in his raspy, sleepy voice that Louis loved so dearly.

"Today's your big day, love, how do you feel?" Louis said reaching his arm out inviting Harry to come join him on the swing. Harry sat down and snuggly into Louis' side pulling the blanket the had swung over the back across his shoulders.

"I'm nervous," Harry said through a yawn. "I just want everything to be perfect. I want Gemma to be proud, ya know?"

"She will be, babe. Always has been, eh?" Louis said in what he hoped was a reassuring way as his turned to kiss Harry's temple.

They sat and lightly swung back and forth, and Louis listened as Harry ran through the list of things he still had to do today. Louis smiled to himself and Harry went on and on, knowing that Louis himself had already taken care of half of those things last night so Harry wouldn't have to worry about them today.

Then suddenly Harry sat up abruptly, almost knocking Louis' tea from his hand.

"Shit, Lou! I forgot to go to the printers and pick up the posters!" Harry said, eyes going wide as his voice raised an octave. They had ordered these posters with the foundation logo and Gemma's photo on it, along with all of the contact information and social media account listed, so they could hang them around the venue.

Harry threw the blanket off of him and moved to get up, when Louis grabbed his hand and pulled him back down next to him.

"Hey, hey, relax," Louis said, with a laugh, causing Harry's brows to furrow in frustration.

"It's not funny, Lou. I was supposed to pick them up yesterday afternoon and have them to the venue last night so they could hang them! I can't believe I forgot, dammit," Harry said, running a nervous hand through his hair.

"I already took care of it, babe. Stop panicking before I have to get your inhaler," Louis said with a soft smile, setting his tea down on the table next to the swing. "They called me yesterday and I sent Melanie down there to grab them. They are already up inside the venue and they look great."

"How...why.." Harry started, looking completely confused.

"I've been in touch with everyone the past few days, Haz. Everything is taken care of, I promise. I just need you to relax, please. All you need to worry about is helping me pick out what I'm going to wear, yeah?" Louis said before leaning in and pecking Harry on the lips.

Harry looked at him, realization dawning slowly. He knew it had been weird that he hadn't gotten any emergency phone calls in the past week, and every time he spoke with Melanie or one of the other organizers, they said everything was great and he didn't have anything to worry about. Louis, the little sneak. The wonderful, beautiful, caring, lovely little sneak.

Harry looked at Louis fondly as Louis reached up to tuck a curl behind Harry's ear.

"I love you, ya know that?" Harry said, leaning in for another kiss, deeper and more urgent. He grabbed Louis' face in his hands as his tongue snuck past Louis' smiling lips. Louis leaned back and broke the kiss, but couldn't quite break the smile on his face.

"OK, let's start getting ready. Big day ahead of us," Louis said, pulling Harry up by the hand and leading him back inside.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At about 4 p.m., Harry and Louis had finally started getting ready. They ended up back in bad for a couple of hours that morning, where Louis fucked as much of the stress as he could out of Harry, knowing they both needed to loosen up for the night ahead of them.

Harry had been to the venue three separate times throughout the day making sure everything was set up, the food was ready to be there when schedule, the bar was stocked and everything on stage was set up.

He and Louis hadn't gotten dressed up for anything in a while so they were both in awe of each other in their stunning black suits.

"Babe! You almost ready, we have to leave in 20!" Harry shouted to Louis who was still in the bathroom working on his quiff. He knew it was never going to look as good as it did when Lou used to do it, but he thought he did an alright job. He cleaned up nice usually. At least that's what he has been told.

Louis found Harry in the study, still answering emails just a couple of hours before the event. He cleared his throat from the doorway as he watched Harry fondly.

"I called a car for you and you'll pick up your mum and Robin on the way. Niall called. I'm going to pick him up from his hotel and we're gonna head there by 6, that OK?" Louis said.

"You don't want to go together?" Harry said, the hurt in his voice shining through.

"I just figured it'd be easier this way. Zayn, Perrie, Liam and Sophia are going together and I told Niall I'd grab him so he doesn't have to come alone. Are you mad?" Louis said, hoping Harry wasn't upset before his big night.

"No, no I just. I dunno. You know you calm me down," Harry said, a slight tinge of embarrassment in his voice. They both knew Harry needed Louis in stressful situations, but Louis knew Harry was strong and would be just fine without him for a couple of hours.

Louis walked over to where Harry was sat at the desk and bent down, kissing him softly on the lips.

"You'll be OK, babe. Just go make sure everything's in order and I'll be right behind you, OK?" Louis said, adding another quick peck for good measure.

"I'm nervous, Lou," Harry whispered.

"Don't be nervous, love, everything is going to be beautiful, and you're going to raise lots of money to help a lot of people, yeah?" Louis said, letting his knuckles softly graze Harry's cheek.

"Yeah, you're right. So I'll see you soon, then, right?" Harry said looking up at Louis with hopeful eyes.

"Right behind you, I promise," Louis said, as Harry closed the laptop and they headed to the door so Louis could see Harry off.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Get in here you beautiful, Irish bastard!" Louis shouted as Niall made his way out of the hotel into their car.

Louis enveloped him in a tight hug before he'd even made it all the way inside. Niall looked the same as usual - blonde, happy and excited - like a golden retriever. Louis hadn't seen Niall in person since their last meeting with Modest, and boy was it good to see his smiling face.

"How you been Lou? How's LA life?" Niall said.

"It's good, really good. Been writing a bit, in and out of the studio when I can. So it's been good, yeah," Louis said with a smile.

"That's great, Lou, really great. How's Harry? How're things in paradise?" Niall said with a wink, letting Louis know he was taking the piss a bit.

"He's good, yeah. A bit nervous for tonight, but he's put so much work in it, I know it'll be wonderful," Louis said, smiling fondly at just the thought of Harry. "But what about you, what have you been up to you blonde menace?"

"Not much just laying low in London for now. Radio 1 actually called me the other day and they want to give me my own show. They set up a meeting, so we'll see how that goes," Niall said shrugging his shoulders. Niall could literally work at a local toy shop and be just as happy as he was traveling the world on tour. He's just a happy lad.

"That's great, Nialler! I hope that all works out," Louis said, clapping Niall on the shoulder.

They went on and a caught up on their families and if they've been in touch with other boys. Conversation came just as easily as always and there was not an awkward moment the entire ride. That made Louis so truly happy.

Before they knew it, they'd made it to the venue and they were heading inside. Louis took a deep breath.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The entire gala was as beautiful as Louis knew it would be.

Ed and Ariana both played a few songs, and there were raffles and food and drink all around.

Harry was a social butterfly, his nerves eased by the presence of others, as usual. Louis let him wander around and mingle, only checking in every once in a while to see if he needed anything. Most of his night was spent at his table with Zayn, Perrie, Liam, Sophia and Niall just catching up and shooting the shit. It was so nice to be around his mates again and reconnect like nothing had ever happened.

After a few hours in, everyone was a bit tipsy at the very least and writing big checks to the foundation, which made Harry so elated.

Finally, just before it was time to wrap up, Harry got up on stage to make a little impromptu speech. Louis should have known Harry couldn't get through a night like this without politely acknowledging and thanking everyone involved.

"Hi everyone, if I could just have a minute of your time," Harry began, clearing his throat. His cheeks were a bit pink so Louis knew he'd had a few glasses of champagne, but he knew he'd be fine. He was always good with crowds of people.

"I just wanted to thank everyone in this room so much for everything you have done. All of you who put so much hard work into preparing for tonight and making it beautiful, and all of you who came and donated - I can't tell you how much we appreciate your generosity. I know Gemma would be very proud that so many people could come together for a good cause, and to help others."

Harry stopped for a moment, and Louis knew he was trying to compose himself. Harry swallowed hard and his lip started to tremble a bit, his eyes shining under the stage lights. Louis' immediate instinct was to run up there and pull Harry into a crushing hug, but before he could think about moving, Harry continued.

"For those of you who didn't know my sister, she was such a great person. The most wonderful person. She always took care of others and put everyone else's needs above her own. She was my best friend and my favorite person in the world. And I'm so thankful to all of you that with all of your help, we can keep her memory alive with this foundation, and help other people, just like Gemma was always doing. So again, thank you all so much for coming and I hope you had a nice time. I really can't thank you enough," Harry finished with a small wave as he stepped off the stage.

Louis walked over to him immediately and pulled him into his arms. Harry hugged back tightly, and Louis could feel him shaking.

"You alright, babe?" Louis whispered into Harry's ear.

Harry pulled back and wiped his eyes quickly. "Yeah, yeah I'm good," Harry said with a small smile, just enough to let Louis know he didn't have to worry about him.

Harry came over and sat with Louis and the boys for a bit, and they all made plans to do dinner the next night while they were all in town together for once.

Soon after Harry had to go around and shake hands with the caterers, the venue manager, the sound guy and everyone else who help throughout the night. He was always so polite and kind, and such an all-around extraordinary person. Louis felt lucky, just like he found himself feeling every day, for having Harry in his life.

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When Harry walked into their house, he was surprised to see it so dark inside. Louis should have been home by now. He left about 30 minutes before Harry, grabbing Niall and giving Harry a swift kiss, telling him he'd see him home soon.

So Harry flicked on the lights and looked down to see a trail of scattered white rose petals, his favorite color rose, leading him out of the foyer, through the house to their living room. There were barely any lights on, and those that were on were dim.

When he reached the end of the trail, there was what looked to be a valiant effort at a heart made out of the rose petals with a big box in the center.

Harry knew this had to be Louis' doing, but he was confused. It wasn't his birthday, or Christmas or their anniversary - it wasn't a special day to deserve a gift.

"Lou?" Harry called out, hoping Louis was floating around somewhere.

A few seconds later Louis walked into the living room, still in his beautiful suit with his hands in his pockets. Harry hadn't seen him yet. He he'd picked up the gift box just looking at it all confused. Louis smiled from ear to ear.

"Open it," Louis said softly, not to startle Harry too much.

"Lou what's going on?" Harry said, looking over to his boyfriend with his brows furrowed.

Louis just nodded at the box, silently urging him again to open it.

Harry untied the ribbon around the box and lifted the lid. He sifted through what seemed like hundreds of sheets of tissue paper and pulled out a small, velvet box.

He dropped the larger box, and some of the tissue paper flew about around him as he brought his hand not holding the small box up to cover his mouth.

Louis could see from where he was standing that Harry's eyes were brimming with tears already. Harry turned to look at him disbelievingly, his lip beginning to quiver.

Louis slowly walked over and took the box from Harry's hands gently. He opened it, and inside was a beautiful platinum ring with three diamonds embedded in it.

Harry took a sharp breath and let it out shakily, the tears finally finding their way down his cheeks.

"Harry, I am so proud of you. Not just for tonight, but for everything you've done since I've known you. You are the most talented, kind-hearted, charming, beautiful, sweet person I've ever met in my life. Sometimes I can't believe I've only known you for six years, because I can't even remember my life before you and I don't even want to imagine it without you. I know I am a complete pain in the arse - I can't cook, I'm loud and obnoxious, I never do the washing up and I eat with my mouth open and I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you. But I love you very much, Harry Styles. And I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life trying to be the person that deserves you - if you'll let me," Louis says as steadily as he can with the lump forming in his throat.

Harry looks at him fondly with his head tilted to the side and tears streaming down his face.

"Will you marry me?" Louis let's out before the tears get the best of him as well

Harry just lunges forward and grabs Louis' face, kissing him hard, turning his head to deepen the kiss. Louis wraps his arms around Harry's waist with the velvet box still in his hand. They pull apart after a few moments, leaning their foreheads against each other.

"Is that a 'yes?'" Louis says with a nervous smile as Harry tries to catch his breath.

"Yes, yes, of course, yes," Harry says wetly, pulling back to look into Louis' eyes.

Louis takes the ring from the box and slides it onto Harry's third finger, before pulling the hand to his mouth, kissing over where he'd just placed the ring. He reached up to wipe Harry's cheeks. Harry just stared at him, finally letting the reality soak in.

"I love you so much," Harry said, closing his eyes as Louis wiped away the tears that made their way under Harry's jaw.

"I love you too, baby," Louis said, pulling Harry in for another kiss, wrapping his arms around his waist again. Harry finally started to slip out of his shock and wrapped his arms around Louis' neck pulling him as close to his body as he could, kissing him harder.

They made love slow and sweet that night, Louis taking his time to show Harry how much he loved him with every kiss, touch and thrust.

They fell asleep, limbs tangled, with Harry's ringed finger placed right over Louis' beating heart.

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The next night at dinner with the boys and their girls, Harry and Louis were the last to arrive, claiming there was heavy traffic. Truthfully, they hadn't been able to keep their hands off of each other for the entire day. Newly engaged bliss, and all.

As they sat down, Harry lifted his menu to have a look at the appetizers, when he heard his name.

"Harry, what is that?" Liam said from where he was sat to Harry's left, just loud enough for everyone at the table to hear. "Harry Styles! What is that on your finger!" Liam went on, his voice raising a bit higher with a grin ear to ear spreading across his face. Harry wore rings all the time, but Liam knew something was off when that was the _only_ ring Harry had on and it was on a very important finger.

"Louis proposed last night," Harry said, feeling his cheeks heat up.

Everyone turned to look at Harry's hand and the girls immediately squealed while the boys started laughing and everyone got up to hug and congratulate the lucky couple.

"Now we're all engaged, come on Nialler, jump on the bandwagon," Louis said, ruffling Niall's hair where he was sat next to him.

"Not a fucking chance. You lot are mad," Niall said, and they all knew he meant it playfully. Niall could barely settle down himself let alone with another person. He enjoyed being single, thank you very much.

They talked about it for a while before Harry insisted they change the subject. They got to catch up and it was really nice. Louis felt so lucky that the five of them still had such a solid relationship. They all hugged and kissed before promising to stay in touch and Harry reminded them they'd all be together soon for the wedding. Harry and Louis hopped in their car and headed home, so happy that their best mates were the first to find out about their engagement.

Laying in bed that night, Louis was looking at the ceiling as Harry's head rested on his chest.

"What are you thinking about?" Harry said, shifting to look up at Louis.

"How lucky I am," Louis said with a smile, leaning down to press his lips to Harry's.

"Such a sap," Harry said with a laugh, nuzzling into Louis' neck.

"Well I am lucky. I can't imagine how my life could possibly be any better than it is in this moment. Everything is just so good, I want to feel like this forever," Louis said, trying not to sound like a Nicholas Sparks novel.

" _We're_ lucky, Lou. Our life is just starting, babe, you just wait," Harry said smiling, dimples on display.

"I guess it is just beginning, isn't it?" Louis said rolling so he and Harry were facing each other as he reached up to cup Harry's jaw.

"And I can't wait to see what happens," Harry said with a sweet, slightly mischievous grin, leaning in to kiss his fiancée.

They had faced so much together, they had made each other stronger and better, and they knew they would be able to make it through anything.

As long as they're together, they're ready for whatever life has to bring.

 

 


End file.
